A week of ups and downs (the ups)

And since we covered the downs a minute ago, here's what's up in Château Innsmouth. Work is going good, busy but good. I'm actually working tonight, prepatch work on our Windows servers before the Corporate Windows group does the actual updates. Unlike last time, I'm probably not staying up to 3am just in case. It's just easier for me to get up early tomorrow and check things. I've also gotten most of my usual chores done. I'm reading a bunch of good books, 'Bond: Unknown' probably the purest form of Spies vs Shoggoths. A history of Pyrrhus of Epirus (where we get the term Pyrrhic victory, among other books. I've been bouncing between subjects, a small lack of focus. So many books, so little time.

(Time passes...)

Chores are done, well done for today. Need to go to the store tomorrow, and I need to put up the dishes once they dry out. Went to pick up some dinner, came home, snagged a quick shower and going for classic Vincent Price movie, since my other picks today were less than spectacular. But I can always count on Vincent Price, especially in period horror flicks.

Windows snapshots are being taken. Not sure what I'm going to do when it's done, and 'Tomb of Ligera' is done. Maybe another classic horror flick, or hide in one of my books. I don't know. Probably go for the movie. Well a movie.

Not much in the way of plans for upcoming stuff. Friend's spawning day party next weekend, but that's about it. Next year I'm hoping to make some changes. A trip or two, probably moving out of Château Innsmouth 1.0 to a bit bigger (and better laid out) apartment. Been snagging pictures of ideas, floorplans and study/library shots. Of course, to be honest, I just need a place for a bed, a closet for clothes, kitchen, bathroom, etc and a desk for the shoggoth wrangling, the rest will probably be bookshelves. That's my style, Late Biblomaniac.

And on that note, I'm running out of words. So I'll catch you next time. *waves a tentacle*

A week of ups and downs (the downs)

Well this week was a lot more ups and downs. Lets get the downs out of the way. It's official, I'm not doing the magnetic treatment, seems that 'we figured out the insurance problem' actually meant 'oh what the hell, lets try again.' How am I doing about that? Resigned. I intentionally kept my hope to a minimum. Pshrink visit went ok, all things considered I'm handling things alright, so same meds, come back after the holiday season, unless stuff changes. Which given the silly season is their busiest time. I also had a case of unexpected sadness earlier this week. Got a wild hair to look up where my uncle's name was from, and I found his obituary from 2011. I knew he'd passed, I thought I'd mourned when it happened. But seeing his face and hearing about the good he did in his community, well I started crying. And the next day I wrote something about it on Facebook, and the tears started up again. Guess between losing my friend's dad, and seeing my uncle well, opened up the waterworks. Otherwise it's been anxiety and feeling down a good chunk of the time. I'm rather down right now. News, worries about people I care about, and my anxiety spiking up randomly. I was going to try to work on cleaning up some of the clutter in the the areas that are out of sight...but I don't have the tentacles for it, so I'll do it another weekend.

Coming very soon, a more positive post.

No title for this post, it’s from the peasant class.

Not been a good fortnight and change. We lost a friend of mine's father last week, and it's been hard. Not just seeing someone I care about hurting, but I had my own relationship with him. And I really haven't had much time to sit and process. I also have a feeling the TMS treatment is back off the table, as all I've heard from my insurance was 'denial, review, silence' and from the provider 'silence'. I have another pshrink visit on Wednesday, which means it's been a month since this got put back on the table. At least I'm not also trying to go off seroquel as well at the same time. Allergies still suck. Not much to say about that though, Texas is hell, and we're coming up on cedar fever season.

There are positives in life. Work has been busy, between database issues, patching, and schedules with my fellow admins. Averaging about 10 hour days, but that's ok. I've worked harder for people I like less. My boss is talking about sending me off for database training (probably virtually), in part due to the issues we had. Which, given my general lack of knowledge about databases would be good. Books are still my friends, even if my ability to focus is all over the place. I've started a bunch of books, but only finished a few, mostly those of favorite authors. On the movie front, I did go see the latest 'Thor' this last weekend. It's a very funny movie, the kind I wish more comic book movies would be like. (that being said, 'Black Panther' doesn't look to have a bunch of comedy, but boy does it look awesome).

No big plans coming up. Mostly I just want to take care of myself and my friend, and see what comes up after the New Year. And on that note, I'm going to call this a post. Catch you all later.

As it was written in the Scrolls of Sutekh…

Well it's the weekend again, so it means I should throw some words on virtual paper. Get the brainmeats out of the way quick, being back on seroquel means I'm sleeping more/better, but my anxiety is still way out there. (not expecting immediate fix, I know better). Depression lurks in a ninja kind of way, I see good things, I feel good things, but it leaps out every now and again in a nihilistic kind of way that reminds me that I'm still rather broken. But I've been broken before, and I've put myself together, repeatedly. I am a New Yorker after all, we're survivors.

So enough strum und drang. What is best in life Vulpine? Well, I'm not Conan, so lets start with books. Been reading a bunch of old school Mythos still. Got a pile of other stuff to read, but other than a little history it's all tentaclular horrors. Listened/ing to a few books by Charlie Stross to get in the mood for his latest Laundry File book next month. Not the whole series, just enough to get back in the series. So many books, so little time.

Went to see 'The Mummy' today. A solid bit of cheese, with a side of ham from Russell Crowe. Yes it could have been much better, but it still was fun and Sofia Boutella was a nice mix of creepy, evil, and lovely. Plus, she was literally covered in hieratic script, so a walking book. Sign me up for the cult please. *grin* Also, for any Lovecraftians who've seen it, did anyone look at the red jewel McGuffin and think 'Shining Trapezohedron' ? Or was that just me trying to make everything into a Mythos reference

What will I do tomorrow? Probably just chores and stuff. Been meaning to clean up the bedroom for months now, may just pop an audiobook or podcast in and spend a while in there trying to get things organized. This is alongside a store run, laundry and similar stuff, so I may set reasonable goals instead. Assuming I don't just hide in bed with a book, or within a movie marathon of cheese and gore. We'll see. For now though, going to call this a post before it's technically Sunday. Laters cultists.

State of the fox

If you follow me on Facebook, you've already seen most of this.

It's not been a good week. I had a near breakdown this week. I think I've tapered off my old med too fast, and between stress from helping a friend, bad sleep, fretting over the bill from my dental emergency and work, and the combination became a 'perfect storm' and well, I went pretty far down. I'm better now, functioning if not great. Little better each day, but still I have to fight the depression at least once or twice a day. It was bad enough I found reading to be tedious, and that's one of those great signs that something is wrong.

But, on the plus side, I managed to not call in with ennui once this week. I've gotten stuff done, if not as much as I'd (or my work) would like. I've also found reading to be easier and more entertaining, reading classics like Lovecraft and Brian Lumley (the first modern day mythos writer I ever read). I'm sleeping better, not great but better. The plan is to try tapering off again when I'm under less stress. When that will be? I dunno. One tentacle at a time and all that.

So, it's the weekend. And payday. Weekend plans are more friend helping, but nothing crazy like last weekend. Also, I'm probably going to go see 'Wonder Woman' because, it looks like a whole lot of fun. Tonight is watching 'Life' again, it's currently on and it's a lot of fun (for values of pentapods destroying humanity). Will probably stay up kind of late and try to regenerate tentacles with movies and geeking, then probably more Lumley or similar reading, and sleeping in if I can. Wish me luck, both with sleep and with getting better.

The hits keep on coming

Well, it's been a week. Not a great week. Last weekend I felt lousy, had to miss visiting with a friend in from the Bay Area who I haven't seen in years. *sad fox* Was out sick Monday, everything felt wrong, so I mostly just napped. Work was work, patching before a release on Tuesday, aka how fast can we do this? Pretty darn fast actually. Last night we had emergency patching for Windows servers due to the latest ransomware BS. I hate windows. Slept for crap again last night, and I'm feeling pretty foul today. Stomach is unhappy, lungs are crunchy, and I'm off most of my allergy meds for the testing next week. I'm a mess. Also, my insurance denied my first request for the new depression treatment. Now my doc and my rep are appealing it, and I know for any expensive treatments insurance will push back hard, but emotionally this is a hit. We'll see what happens next week.

So yeah, I'm not doing hot. Mentally/emotionally I'm all over the place. Physically I covered already. At least I have Cthulhu covering the spiritual side of things *wink* Mother's Day is tomorrow, my plan to send out a bunch of mother's day cards to people has been delayed, I just really haven't had the spoons to write cards. Maybe later today/tomorrow. Not thinking too much otherwise about tomorrow...hoping there isn't a ton of emotional foo, I really don't have it in me to cope. So here's to not needing a ton of cope.

Not much else going on. Slowly upgrading my VM horde, at least the Ubuntu ones to 17.04. I need to look at what version of Fedora is default now, I haven't checked in a while. And there's the obvious windows updates. Plus movies, probably going to stick with favorites vs trying to find something new. Can't wait for next weekend and the new 'Alien' movie. I enjoyed 'Prometheus' and 'Alien vs Predator', so I'm pretty sure I'll be a fan.

So, I'll call this a post. Hopefully next week won't be as ick as this last one was, and maybe I'll even make some process into feeling human again. Laters gators.

What’s going on with Vulpine’s brainmeats

Note: this doesn't cover my allergist visit, that's going to be it's own post at some point when I process that...oy.

So I've been kind of vaguebooking about what's going on with my brainmeats, at least to most of the public at large. So here's the skinny. My pshrink thinks I'm a good candidate for a 'new' treatment, Transcranial Magnet Stimulation or TMS. Basically, they've found some people with depression had neurons that don't work as they're supposed to, but with stimulation from a magnetic field, they can get them to fire normally, correcting the depression issue. I've been reading on the science, and it seems plausible. Basically, if I qualify (both under insurance and after an EEG), I'd go for daily magnetic whackings for a period of about 6 weeks. The downside is it's crazy expensive, as in if my insurance doesn't cover it, there's no way I can afford it. But, if it's covered by insurance, and it does what it says it does, I may have my depression and anxiety in remission. Note, I didn't say cured. They don't say cured. I could need follow ups, and it's not a magic pill. But it gives enough hope that I'm willing to try.

Friday AM I go in for my brain scan, if I get pictures of said brain I'll post them. From there, it depends on if I fit the pattern needed, and if insurance covers it, then it's a lot of magnetic waves into my brain. (insert joke about uncovering dormant mental powers) Then...we hope.

I know exactly one person who's had this treatment, who said it worked until his insurance screwed him royally. I'm hoping for no insurance screwage. I'm also hoping that this might just be the light at the end of a very long tunnel. I'm tired, I'm tired of all the meds, I'm tired of the side effects, I'm tired of finding myself idly contemplating my own mortality. (No, not suicidal, don't worry, just tired). So tomorrow is a first step. Wish me luck, prayers, crossed anythings, whatever.

Checking in

Was a weird week. Spent all of my 3 day weekend home recovering. I cheerfully could have called in Tuesday or Wednesday as well, but I put on my big cultist robes and went to work. Was kind of glad to see people actually. I'm still not 100%, but I'm close (minus the perpetual allergy argument). Mood was pretty lousy though this week. Between being sick, a whole lot of negative memories rising to the surface, and reality being pretty depressing. At least my subconscious eased up on me while I was asleep, with a lack of anxiety dreams. I kind of snapped out of it this morning, as Fridays often fix the ills in my head.

As I said last post, I'll be back to patching on Sunday evening. Approx 30 servers this go-round, but I'll have at least one other admin patching, and other bodies to do support tests and verify applications. So it should be fairly smooth. Week will be a tad short, but that's ok. I still have social plans for tomorrow and for Sunday prior to patching.

So what's up in the land of Vulpine besides work and illness? Lots of books, lots of reading. For some odd reason most of what I've read has been set in London, England between 1890-1920. Originally there was no plan, but between a couple of Mythos tales, and pastiches of Sherlock Holmes and Carnacki the Ghost Finder, and another period fantasy bit I've spent a lot of mental shoe leather wandering around London. Currently reading 'Dust and Shadow' which pits Sherlock against Jack the Ripper. I'm also hoping to have a spare weekend day in the next few weeks where I feel up to finishing up on the rearranging of the Starry Wisdom Library and building of at least one new bookcase. Hopefully I'll be sans plague in time to do this before summer hits. Bedroom also needs work, but that's less pressing. Less books in there. And more work.

Ok, that's about all I have for right now. I have tons of bright ideas for posts, but usually they get detailed just as I'm getting ready for bed. I'm starting to think I need a voice recorder to ramble into so I remember these quirky ideas. For now though, I'm going to enjoy my Friday night hermit. Catch you all later.

Not doing so hot

Not doing so good today. Last night was a series of classic vulpine anxiety dreams. One involved a cat dying, not any cat I know, but still, sad about kitty. Woke up from that bit of sad, decided to take my anxiety med and try to go back to sleep. Which I did, and had an even worse nightmare about celebrating a friend being in a big budget X-Men movie, which was great and glorious, but all my friends at the party (save the movie star), treated me as a leper. I woke up crying, and I felt like I'd been run over by a train. Great way to start a Saturday.

So I'm wide awake at 7:30am, depressed as hell, scared as fuck of going back to sleep. So I got up, checked the mail, and went to the store. Adulting, even when I had 0 desire to adult. Groceries gotten, some general chores done, been watching the first two 'Species' movies. Trying not to think much, as I'd like my brain to leave me alone.

Between the dreams, and the perpetual allergy war, and the world diving into an unhappy kind of insanity, lets just say I'm kind of hoping the comet that's nnearby takes a left turn and smacks into the planet. At least there are always books. They give so much, they ask so little.

I'll be ok, these things pass, sooner or later. Later today I'm going to see 'John Wick 2' with some friends, which I hope helps. Catch you all later.

Books, books and dreams of books

Well last night's sleep was kind of demented. Stayed up reading a quasi-random book pickup that's turned into an epic Lovecraftian conspiracy novel. Decided to pause at about 2/3rd of the through, since I was pooped, and I wanted to savor the last reveals. Went to sleep, and had some bizarro dreams. I mentioned one on Facebook, where either Daniel Harms referred to me as a 'poor man's Kenneth Hite' or Kenneth Hite referred to me as a 'poor man's Daniel Harms;. Either way, I'll take the compliment. Other dreams in the series was going to the ur-Bookstore. That's what I call a recurring bookstore in my dreams. It's huge, more like a book mall, laid out in a labyrinth of rooms, halls and displays. I'm never looking for anything in particular, I'm just wandering looking at stuff. And I found a new, basement section of historical docs and manuscripts and other oddball stuff. But I had to go outside to get to the basement entrance, and suddenly it was Arctic winter and I was dressed for Texas. Brrr. Then the entrance was locked and I was getting colder and colder. Then I realized I was dreaming, but my brain said 'so what' and I was stuck trying to find a way out of the cold, or to wake up. Lucid Dreaming roll, 00. I was boned. Woke up eventually, and decided I didn't want to give my subconscious any more run time.

Got up, got moving. I've spilled my pills twice today, I got the bathroom floor mopped, but my sinuses are now unthrilled. I was going to do a store run, but I really rather just avoid humanity for the moment. Watching a weird 70's martial arts assassin flick, with really cheesy fight scenes. Once that's done, I'll probably work on general cleaning. Not putting the bookshelf together, my electric screwdriver/drill is dead, I've found that manually screwing around = crappy bookshelves. So I'll either have to borrow one from a friend, or go get another one.

Ok, just went and picked some stuff in the bedroom, and I'm going to flop some more. Don't think I'm leaving the house. I can always order a pizza... in fact I may do that very soon. Take care everyone. *sniffle*