State of the Fox

October hasn't been what I'd call a great month. Work is lots of stress, lots of change and not a lot of concrete stuff. I'm officially a Subject Matter Expert for something I really do not to be involved in, but I am the guy with the most knowledge ATM. At least the project is a complete new build out, so hopefully I can do it right from the start.

I turned 46. I still don't feel 46. What the hell happened? I'll buy my 30's, since I can at least keep my checkbook balanced. Oh well. On my spawning day I went and saw a screening of 'Prince of Darkness' at the Alamo Drafthouse. Good way to spend the end of my spawning day.

Last night I went to the wake of a friend of mine from college. Saw a lot of people I haven't seen in too many years. Lots of stories, laughs, tears. I have a lot of stuff in my head that I have to process. Don't worry, nothing bad, just stuff in my life and how I view my life I think I need to change. I'm also sorry it took a friend dying for me to reach out and see those friends from my past. *sad*

Health wise, things are mixed. When I'm mindful of my eating, and my stress isn't super high, my bloodsugars are hovering a smidge above normal. When the stress kicks in, or I do something stupid like eat too much pizza (aka today), they're all over the place. My dealings with CareNow have sunk to a new low, I need to find a GP so I don't have to deal with unprofessional medical staff. I have a couple of leads from people I trust, so that's good. Depression/anxiety and stress is making the brainmeats tricky to manage, along with constant focusing on my blood sugar and how my eyes are acting. *yawn* I also am having issues sleeping solid, stress is for the feckin birds.

So what's coming up ? A follow up eye-doctor visit on Wednesday, then after that I hope to have stable enough vision to get my normal bifocal glasses. Various work projects, next weekend is more social time, and going to see some classic horror flicks next Sunday. Mostly though, I'm just going to be trying to keep the anxiety/stress levels from hitting peak levels again. *crosses tentacles*

Three-lobed burning eyes

Good news everybody. The eye doctor said my eyes are quite healthy, no signs of any issues from the diabetes, other than my vision prescription has changed rather dramatically. And since my blood sugars aren’t stable yet, they may change yet more. So I have a new ‘script for glasses, and found a place that could get me distance glasses made today. So I’ll use these ‘cheap’ glasses til we’re sure my script won’t change again crazily, then I’ll get my bifocals made. For now thought, I’m going to go rest my tired eyes, at least until the damn dilation goes away. *blinkblink*

How am I doing?

Well it's currently Day 13 of me being diagnoses with diabetes. So how am I doing? Well, it's officially official. My bloodwork came back with confirmation of being diabetic. Which beats having something weird and esoteric in my pancreas. Been doing the blood testing twice a day per my doctor. Once when I get up, once after a meal (usually dinner or lunch). Don't like the jab, but I'm not needle phobic at all, so it's more of a 'sigh' *bleed* *move on*. Blood sugar is going down, which of course is the way we want things to be going. Yay medication and diet.

Speaking of diet, I've gone from an average of 3000 calories a day, to under 2000. How, setting limited portions, snacking on cucumbers and tomatoes a lot, and trying to be mindful of how I'm doing. The snacking urge is hard to ignore, I hate being hungry. But my stomach is shrinking a bit, and I've found stuff that works well for me. So I'm doing ok. Trying very hard to not set myself up for a fall. If I go over calories/sugars, then oh well. Try better tomorrow. I'm going to go over tonight by a bit. (I treated myself to NYC pizza, was good and only ate two slices. That was hard). But I don't have to be perfect. Just have to improve.

Otherwise, I'm kind of kerfrazzled, the vision stuff is scary, but I think my eyes have settled down to a point where I think that unless they find something else wrong, And if they do, I'll deal. Though if I stop being able to read, there will be problems. Work is stressing me, lots of meetings, lots of questions I just don't know. Company buyouts are stressful as heck. I ended up taking today as PTO to just decompress. Tomorrow and Sunday are more decompression time, need to do some more chores around the house, read, and really, REALLY try to catch up on sleep.

Speaking of reading and sleeping, I think that's what I'm going to do. Night fellow cultists (and everyone else reading this)

The Eyes Don’t Have It

Quick post. Last Thursday (a week ago), my eyes started acting up. Vision got kind of fuzzy, over the next few days my eyes changed enough that my glasses are unwearable. My distance vision is lousy, mid range is fuzzy but workable, and from arm's length and closer I'm alright. What's going on ? No idea. It could be the change in blood sugars from high to less high triggered a change in eyeball/lens shape. It happens, per some diabetic friends and some major googling. If that's it, my eyes should self correct. If not, well it could be a number of other things. Thus I have an ophthalmologist appointment on Monday to give my eyes a complete look over. They'll be able to tell if I have other eye problem, or if my eyes have just changed and I need a new 'script. We'll see Monday.

What does this mean? I haven't left the house since Sunday. I can drive, but that's a bad idea IMHO. I took Monday off from Carcosa Corp, but after that I rearranged my desktop setup at home so my computer screens are close enough to limit the eyestrain. I haven't been getting a lot done, but it's been a week of meetings, which doesn't require me to geek much. I can read, thank Cthulhu, otherwise I'd have gone nuts already. I'm listening to a lot of pdocasts and audiobooks when I'm doing other things. So I'm not crazy, but I'm definitely antsy as hell.

So, hopefully the docs can figure out a fix, and life returns to normal. My plans for this weekend are just about non-existent. I'm probably going to stick around home, read, etc. I'll be stircrazy, but not much I can do about that either way. I can at least futz around the house doing chores and stuff. And we'll see how things go after that.

Eyeballs and Books

Look, two posts in a weekend. Yesterday was the mental health day I took from work. I spent most of it watching various horror flicks, and futzing around online. Oh, and some vague chore doing at home. I'm slowly getting rid of clutter. Then I'll start on rearranging things a little better. I'm also going to pack up some of the scifi/fantasy section of the Starry Wisdom Library, and probably put it in storage. Shelf space is at a premium, and history, esoterica and Mythos has priority. (also, I have piles of books that need to be organized). Worked on that also this morning, along with more (and worse) movies.

Went to the eye doctor in the afternoon, when it was 105 out. Glad my eyeballs didn't melt. Long story short, my distance vision is a smidge better than it was, my up close vision is a tad worse. So new glasses are in my future. But otherwise my eyes are healthy, come back in year and get dilated.

Came home after that, where I ate way too many chicken tenders. I have to remember, when I have the brilliant idea 'I'll get a family meal, and I'll have 3-4 meals out of it', portion out the damn things...otherwise I keep eating them til I'm about to explode. Haven't done much else this afternoon/ evening. Rearranged a few things, made some mental notes. Found a random flat in London that is not only cool looking, but is the same building for the hero in 'The Devil Rides Out', with the same cool terrace design. But, since I haven't come into my Innsmouth gold inheritance, I don't see me relocating Château Innsmouth to the UK.

So what is Vulpine reading ? Currently I'm reading a history of the Cathars, The Lost Teachings of the Cathars by Andrew Phillip Smith. It's a reread, but given the news lately, who doesn't need a book on medieval quasi-Gnostic dualism. Enjoyable, if nothing really new to the subject. I recently finished a novella, Maniac Gods by Rich Hawkins. Unlike m y current read, this is a little more...intense. It's Lovecraftianesque cosmic horror, with the emphasis on horror. Cult does bad thing, divorced Dad tries to save his ex-wife and kid, bad things happen. Yes, this is done a lot. But Rich gleefully dives into the guts of the story and runs it at full tilt, and when you get to the obvious 'and here's more horror' he slams on brakes and does a 180 that almost hurts. Then he slowly ratchets things up...and then if you want more, go buy the book. *wink* In the bullpen is a number of other British horror novels, I may have gone a little crazy during Amazon Prime Day.

So that's about it for non-brain meats thoughts. Tomorrow I go see Denzel Washington beat people up, and then it's back to work of some stress. But I will survive. Cthulhu's told me so. (Oh yeah, and if you wonder why I have more links than usual, I changed some stuff in my ViM configuration, and this seemed a good test. Yay geeking)

Sleep, perchance not to dream

Some random thoughts. I've been having issues with sleeping, and with dreams. I'm having nights full of broken sleep, waking up multiple times a night. And when I do sleep, I have sad or anxious dreams and getting out of bed is really difficult. My attempts to fix this have either involved spiking up dopamine or serotonin before bed, or more often, going to bed earlier and earlier. I'm starting to think this (early to bed) is the problem. Maybe I'm spending too much time in REM sleep, where I'm mostly awake by 5-6 am, and I'm just idling in dreaming mode, and waking up repeatedly, which make the dreams more memorable. At least that's what my googling about sleep patterns and basic logic comes up with. So, tonight is an experiment. Going to stay up til about 10pm tonight (1-2 hours later than my sleep schedule lately), then take my meds and go to bed to read a little. I'm resetting my alarm for the last possible minute before I need to be up, so I can be at work in time for the morning meeting. Then we see. If I don't get enough sleep, well the next morning is the weekend, and I have no plans for Friday night. So if I'm tired, I can fight through it. And if it helps, make notes, then try again next week. Document all the way. And we see. If it helps, yay. If it doesn't, well, check my theory, check my research, come up with a new idea. That whole scientific method thing. Should do that more in my personal life.

So...I am my own experiment. Which probably isn't the best science, but it's what I've got to work with at the moment. I do have a perfectly good pshrink I can hand the results to after some time. We'll see. Later I may experiment with invocations of Morpheus, Cthulhu, Hypnos, Nut and/or Nyx. Just no self medicating, that will just in tears. Ok, wish me luck.

To the Devil a Daughter…and more rambles

Home from work, dinner eaten, books added to catalog and shelved. Am pretty pooped after the work day. Going to go to shower, bed and book soon.

Listening to 'To the Devil a Daughter', I knew that the movie was very different than the book, but the only thing they both have is the evil priest. The good guy, Verney is made up of 3 characters in the book. And if you're looking for habit wearing hotties, well this stories has nun ;) Pretty sure I can guess why Wheatley was so torqued off at the Hammer production. It's a slow start, lots of English people complaining about France, while in France. But we got to the crazy Satanist monologing about his plan to a hero, and boy is it bonkers. Also there's a call back to the novel 'The Devil Rides Out' which makes my little geek heart happy. Still have hours to go to listen, might switch over to reading the book the old fashioned way, see if the plot runs off like a crazed hare...like the movie does.

Night all.

Random post surgery thoughts

Been healing, bit by bit. I'm really tired of soft foods, my stomach is demanding things I'm pretty sure I shouldn't eat, and I'm still generally worn down. Worked from home on Thursday, which honestly I didn't get much work done during. Called in on Friday, watched the first 8 'Friday the 13th' movies as is traditional. Yesterday and today was more or less the same, with more variety in movies though. Back to the office tomorrow, with a lot of emails to check I think. Plus lots of things to do in general that I meant to do this weekend. My TODO list is giving me more than a little anxiety though, so many things to do, so little time. Oh well, going to do some little things and make something for dinner, then probably spend the evening in a book. Catch everyone later.

Sick fox is recovering

Not been doing good healthwise. Thought I had a bad sinus infection, but I woke up yesterday in major pain centered around a tooth. So yay, dentist. I'm very phobic about dentists. They ended up extracting the tooth, which was a royal pain in the jaw because I'm a mutant, and I have extra roots that extend deep into the jaw. So it took forever to extract, I had to repeatedly remind myself that clenching up every muscle wasn't going to help things. Still I came out of it in more pain in my joints and neck than in my jaw. My hands were shaking and I felt light headed most of last night, and I barely slept. Took today off as comp time (working on President's day, a Carcosa Corp holiday). I'm mostly spending today eating soft food and watching 80's horror movies. I'm hoping I'm back to normal enough to spend some time with friends tomorrow.

Providence trip is a week from tomorrow. I'm kind of a basket case about it at the moment, the trip, the state of me, etc. To be honest, I've thought about canceling it...will decide later on. 'Try to avoid major decisions when depressed, in pain, or stressed'. So we'll see. *sigh*

On the bright side I've read a lot of good books in the last week. I highly recommend 'Widow's Point' by Richard and Billy Chizmar, a classic ghost story that grabs you and doesn't let go. If you like military sci-fiesque, 'The Void' by Greig Beck won't let you down. Super-soldiers vs space monsters. If you rather have movies, 'The Ritual', an adaptation of Adam Nevill's novel will convince you to never go hiking again. Or if you want horror comedy gore, see 'Victor Crowley', the 4th 'Hatchet' movie. So that's my random one line reviews.

That's about it. Hoping I can make til bedtime tonight, and get some real sleep. I'll also like it when my body stops being in full flake mode. Have a good night boys and ghouls.

The hits keep on coming

Well, it's been a week. Not a great week. Last weekend I felt lousy, had to miss visiting with a friend in from the Bay Area who I haven't seen in years. *sad fox* Was out sick Monday, everything felt wrong, so I mostly just napped. Work was work, patching before a release on Tuesday, aka how fast can we do this? Pretty darn fast actually. Last night we had emergency patching for Windows servers due to the latest ransomware BS. I hate windows. Slept for crap again last night, and I'm feeling pretty foul today. Stomach is unhappy, lungs are crunchy, and I'm off most of my allergy meds for the testing next week. I'm a mess. Also, my insurance denied my first request for the new depression treatment. Now my doc and my rep are appealing it, and I know for any expensive treatments insurance will push back hard, but emotionally this is a hit. We'll see what happens next week.

So yeah, I'm not doing hot. Mentally/emotionally I'm all over the place. Physically I covered already. At least I have Cthulhu covering the spiritual side of things *wink* Mother's Day is tomorrow, my plan to send out a bunch of mother's day cards to people has been delayed, I just really haven't had the spoons to write cards. Maybe later today/tomorrow. Not thinking too much otherwise about tomorrow...hoping there isn't a ton of emotional foo, I really don't have it in me to cope. So here's to not needing a ton of cope.

Not much else going on. Slowly upgrading my VM horde, at least the Ubuntu ones to 17.04. I need to look at what version of Fedora is default now, I haven't checked in a while. And there's the obvious windows updates. Plus movies, probably going to stick with favorites vs trying to find something new. Can't wait for next weekend and the new 'Alien' movie. I enjoyed 'Prometheus' and 'Alien vs Predator', so I'm pretty sure I'll be a fan.

So, I'll call this a post. Hopefully next week won't be as ick as this last one was, and maybe I'll even make some process into feeling human again. Laters gators.