A week of ups and downs (the downs)

Well this week was a lot more ups and downs. Lets get the downs out of the way. It's official, I'm not doing the magnetic treatment, seems that 'we figured out the insurance problem' actually meant 'oh what the hell, lets try again.' How am I doing about that? Resigned. I intentionally kept my hope to a minimum. Pshrink visit went ok, all things considered I'm handling things alright, so same meds, come back after the holiday season, unless stuff changes. Which given the silly season is their busiest time. I also had a case of unexpected sadness earlier this week. Got a wild hair to look up where my uncle's name was from, and I found his obituary from 2011. I knew he'd passed, I thought I'd mourned when it happened. But seeing his face and hearing about the good he did in his community, well I started crying. And the next day I wrote something about it on Facebook, and the tears started up again. Guess between losing my friend's dad, and seeing my uncle well, opened up the waterworks. Otherwise it's been anxiety and feeling down a good chunk of the time. I'm rather down right now. News, worries about people I care about, and my anxiety spiking up randomly. I was going to try to work on cleaning up some of the clutter in the the areas that are out of sight...but I don't have the tentacles for it, so I'll do it another weekend.

Coming very soon, a more positive post.

No title for this post, it’s from the peasant class.

Not been a good fortnight and change. We lost a friend of mine's father last week, and it's been hard. Not just seeing someone I care about hurting, but I had my own relationship with him. And I really haven't had much time to sit and process. I also have a feeling the TMS treatment is back off the table, as all I've heard from my insurance was 'denial, review, silence' and from the provider 'silence'. I have another pshrink visit on Wednesday, which means it's been a month since this got put back on the table. At least I'm not also trying to go off seroquel as well at the same time. Allergies still suck. Not much to say about that though, Texas is hell, and we're coming up on cedar fever season.

There are positives in life. Work has been busy, between database issues, patching, and schedules with my fellow admins. Averaging about 10 hour days, but that's ok. I've worked harder for people I like less. My boss is talking about sending me off for database training (probably virtually), in part due to the issues we had. Which, given my general lack of knowledge about databases would be good. Books are still my friends, even if my ability to focus is all over the place. I've started a bunch of books, but only finished a few, mostly those of favorite authors. On the movie front, I did go see the latest 'Thor' this last weekend. It's a very funny movie, the kind I wish more comic book movies would be like. (that being said, 'Black Panther' doesn't look to have a bunch of comedy, but boy does it look awesome).

No big plans coming up. Mostly I just want to take care of myself and my friend, and see what comes up after the New Year. And on that note, I'm going to call this a post. Catch you all later.

State of the fox

If you follow me on Facebook, you've already seen most of this.

It's not been a good week. I had a near breakdown this week. I think I've tapered off my old med too fast, and between stress from helping a friend, bad sleep, fretting over the bill from my dental emergency and work, and the combination became a 'perfect storm' and well, I went pretty far down. I'm better now, functioning if not great. Little better each day, but still I have to fight the depression at least once or twice a day. It was bad enough I found reading to be tedious, and that's one of those great signs that something is wrong.

But, on the plus side, I managed to not call in with ennui once this week. I've gotten stuff done, if not as much as I'd (or my work) would like. I've also found reading to be easier and more entertaining, reading classics like Lovecraft and Brian Lumley (the first modern day mythos writer I ever read). I'm sleeping better, not great but better. The plan is to try tapering off again when I'm under less stress. When that will be? I dunno. One tentacle at a time and all that.

So, it's the weekend. And payday. Weekend plans are more friend helping, but nothing crazy like last weekend. Also, I'm probably going to go see 'Wonder Woman' because, it looks like a whole lot of fun. Tonight is watching 'Life' again, it's currently on and it's a lot of fun (for values of pentapods destroying humanity). Will probably stay up kind of late and try to regenerate tentacles with movies and geeking, then probably more Lumley or similar reading, and sleeping in if I can. Wish me luck, both with sleep and with getting better.

Green Vulpine needs Hope, badly.

Well it's another week, and I'm not doing so hot. Had a relapse after last weekend, doctor called in new antibiotics which have helped. But I still feel pretty lousy. My lungs are really tight, I've been using the inhaler a bunch. It helps, but I have a feeling I need to find a respiratory specialist and get my lungs really checked out. Along with an allergist, and possibly a full body transplant specialist. So if anyone is experimenting with building cyborgs, I may be your guinea pig.

I worked from home Mon-Wed. I was told rather firmly to go home since I sounded like a TB ward. I got stuff done, but I still feel like a slacker. *sigh* Oh, I haven't mentioned it, but I have a new boss. Nothing bad, just some reshuffling above my level. Going to actually meet the guy (he works out of Atlanta, soon to be Tennessee) next week. I do kind of like having remote managers, less of the insanity of a former employer. Plus, me and my team mates just work well together, no real need for a day to day watch over us kind of guy.

Due to the relapse, I've mentally canceled most of my weekend plans. Not sure I want to leave the house, not sure I'll be able to do all the chores that are backed up either though. I really don't know. I'm going to try to get at least the minimum I need for survival, if I can do more, I will, and if I can't...well *throws tentacles in the air*

Mental health is...poor. Mom's anniversary of her passing is next weekend, and I've had lots of reminders of things in the last couple of weeks. The pneumonia is definitely NOT helping. (Her death, for those who don't know, was due to a bout of pneumonia). Add to that the world news lately, and personal issues I don't want to go into on here, I'm really not a happy fox. Seriously, I think the only reason I haven't had a full on meltdown is I'm going numb before it happens. Hiding in books, in movies. I have a pshrink visit in a few weeks, and I sense we'll be changing things.

In regards to the new news on Livejournal, I'm honestly not sure I give a darn. Not that I particularly trust the Russian Federation, but there really isn't anything on there I'm concerned about. On the other tentacle, they're no longer using SSL. That's bad, m'kay. I even tried to force it, nope redirect to port 80. Not sure how much I want to go to DW. I already have a blog, and I have a sort of copy of all my posts on LJ. But since I don't really have the tentacles to cope with a decision, I'm not going to make one just yet.

So what am I going to do this weekend? Besides at least the bare minimum of chores, I'm watching movies. Specifically right now 'The Void', which I've been waiting for with major anticipation. I also picked up both 'Alien vs Predator' movies on bluray to complete my current collection. So maybe Aliens marathon tomorrow, or something else. Or I may just read all the books. I really am just going to try to relax, hopefully my lungs will feel better, and I'll be in a better place come Monday. I can dream at least.

Checking in

Was a weird week. Spent all of my 3 day weekend home recovering. I cheerfully could have called in Tuesday or Wednesday as well, but I put on my big cultist robes and went to work. Was kind of glad to see people actually. I'm still not 100%, but I'm close (minus the perpetual allergy argument). Mood was pretty lousy though this week. Between being sick, a whole lot of negative memories rising to the surface, and reality being pretty depressing. At least my subconscious eased up on me while I was asleep, with a lack of anxiety dreams. I kind of snapped out of it this morning, as Fridays often fix the ills in my head.

As I said last post, I'll be back to patching on Sunday evening. Approx 30 servers this go-round, but I'll have at least one other admin patching, and other bodies to do support tests and verify applications. So it should be fairly smooth. Week will be a tad short, but that's ok. I still have social plans for tomorrow and for Sunday prior to patching.

So what's up in the land of Vulpine besides work and illness? Lots of books, lots of reading. For some odd reason most of what I've read has been set in London, England between 1890-1920. Originally there was no plan, but between a couple of Mythos tales, and pastiches of Sherlock Holmes and Carnacki the Ghost Finder, and another period fantasy bit I've spent a lot of mental shoe leather wandering around London. Currently reading 'Dust and Shadow' which pits Sherlock against Jack the Ripper. I'm also hoping to have a spare weekend day in the next few weeks where I feel up to finishing up on the rearranging of the Starry Wisdom Library and building of at least one new bookcase. Hopefully I'll be sans plague in time to do this before summer hits. Bedroom also needs work, but that's less pressing. Less books in there. And more work.

Ok, that's about all I have for right now. I have tons of bright ideas for posts, but usually they get detailed just as I'm getting ready for bed. I'm starting to think I need a voice recorder to ramble into so I remember these quirky ideas. For now though, I'm going to enjoy my Friday night hermit. Catch you all later.

General State of the Fox

I'm doing mostly ok mentally, the depression hole I fell into for the holidays has mostly passed. Just in time for my yearly asskicking DeathCold (tm). Was out of the office 2 days last week. At least this time it's not technically a DeathCold (tm), it's allergies of insane levels. I realized today, Texas is treating me like a foreign (of the damn Yankee variety) body, and it's using pollen as antibodies. No idea when I'll be back to 'normal'. The urge to flee the state and move somewhere without trees is strong. Greenland or Antarctica. *le sigh*

Work is good, I'm doing some upgrade foo Sunday night. Next week will be hopping. Second payday was today, yay income. Still like my coworkers a bunch, both my team and the groups we worth with. So that's a major plus. Slowly, but surely, the weird stressors from the Shoggoth Pit are fading.

In non-work stuff, I've been on a religion kick, mostly the minority sects of the Middle East (Yazidis, Zoroastrian, and other stuff I'd never heard of), as well as Gnostic foo. In my fuzzy brain I'm turning this stuff into head canon for Mythos, as I often do. I'll probably dig into Hermeticism in the future for much the same thing. NeoPlatonic Cthulhu Cultists, next on Fox. Waiting mostly patiently for a new book called 'Winter Tide' by Ruthanne Emrys. Things from the Deep Ones point of view, which I always appreciate. The first 5 chapters are online Tor.com, as well as the first story in the series, The Litany of Earth. Go forth and do honor to Mother Hydra and Father Dagon.

Upcoming plans, some socializing with the Ufies tomorrow, Sunday will be Amythest time before the work that evening. After that, not a lot of real plans. Then it's mostly work and books and geekery til the summer. Then I'm going on my first cruise, from Seattle to Alaska, by way of Canada. Looking forward to a new adventure on the high seas. And if timing, job and finances work out, I'm also going to try to go to either the NecronomiCon in Providence, or back to the HPLFF in Portland. Yay traveling fun and games. And bookstores, I have them already picked out. *grin* Yeah, I have my priorities. And tonight's priority is finish my Friday the 13th mini-marathon, read stuff, and sleep in tomorrow. Happy weekend to all, and to all a good night.

A year ago

Today is the one year anniversary of my first day of freedom from The Shoggoth Pit. (my last day was Sept 11th...but I didn't want to write this yesterday). A lot of things have changed in a year. I found an old offline journal entry with my wishes for my post pit life. A job where I'd have bosses who didn't try to stress me out for yucks and giggles, where work had challenges, but I also had support in meeting said challenges. And I got that here at Carcosa Corp, in spades. I also got a much nicer paycheck, and I have coworkers who I can count on to be professional, and at the same time, can be silly with. The only negative is that it is contract, so I cannot say that a year from now I'll still be in the same boat. But it's given me hope that yes, I deserve a job where credit is given, and I'm worth what I'm paid.

Outside of the work stuff, the last year I've done other stuff. I've finally made it outside of Texas, and made it back home to NYC for a fun week. I'm going to Portland in a little under a month for my first Lovecraft festival. I'm sleeping better, though I am having more anxiety dreams about parents than I was. I'm social, and my friends are much less worried about me (sorry gang). I did up my meds this year for depression, but that I felt like I could try to do something to help sounds like positive stuff to me. I've also quit caffeine, and cut way down on sugar, and have started to lose weight. Eating a little healthier. Reading more, generally most everything is swinging up at least a little.

Still have anxiety and depression issues. I'm still reacting to things like I'm back at the Shoggoth Pit, meetings make me anxious, new projects cause worries, etc. But I'm catching myself when I start that, and it's lessening. Day by day, bit by bit, I'm getting better.

So that's the state of the Vulpine, anniversary edition. Hopefully things keep swinging up through the next year, and that this time in 2017 I'm no longer thinking about the past or being bothered by it.

State of the Fox: Additional

I forgot, I gave up caffeine, and I'm finally starting to not feel like utter crap. I've known for a while that my Code Red habit wasn't good for my health, but I didn't have the willpower or immediate reasons to quit. Then a number of messages from the multiverse came in, and I decided I needed to quit before I had big reasons to. Plus, caffeine + anxiety is not a good mix. Along with that, I've cut majorly down on sugar. It's been kind of rough. Last time I quit caffeine, I was in the hospital with Stan, and well, amazing what painkilers can do. It's been a week and change since I stopped all together, and about 3 since I started tapering down. I do miss it, especially getting up in the AM (and Friday night movies fests) but I think the physical foo is over. I've been drinking lots of water, which is better for me both physically and on the budget. So that's the addendum, I'm actually trying to be healthier. Go Me!

State of the Fox

Not sure how long it's been since I did one of these. Probably not long, but here it is. At the beginning of the month I posted about going to the pshrink to up my meds. I go back next week, and I'm going to say that while it's helped, it's not helped as much as I'd want. Maybe another dose up, as I am doing better. Or maybe a different med will be the answer. I don't know, but I'm willing to try. And that's a big change from last year, hell, from a couple of months ago.

Work is good. Figured out why I was anxious at the job, even though I'm working with some very cool people, and nothing has felt like the stressors of the Shoggoth Pit. But I still find meetings and dealing with the boss as a cause of anxiety, because for years I'm used to having bosses who yelled, who enjoyed winding me up, who had no clue how to handle people. I now have a boss who's helpful, and can say 'you did this incorrectly, here's what you should have done' without making it a chances to yank my chain. I just need to get used to it, and it's probably going to take a while longer. But I see that I can, and why I feel the way I do, and with that, I can change things.

Personal life is good. Been spending a lot of time buried in books. Friends are good, friends are great. Even if I haven't been quite the social butterfly. Château Innsmouth is as it usually is. Most everything is pretty ok. Well it's overly warm, and my internet has issues, but nothing I can't handle.

That's pretty much Vulpine's life here at Château Innsmouth. Hoping it stays that way. Catch you all later, hopefully with a stable internet connection. Ciao.

How am I doing (long post)

I'm not doing so hot. Last night's maintenance was stressful and ended up having a bunch of issues in the AM, things I was told would just work after reboots. But before that, I went to the pshrink and admitted that my depression cycles are getting worse, my temper is short, and I spend a lot of time thinking about regrets and sad memories. It started during the build up to the anniversary of Mom's passing, but it didn't really go away. What really sucks, I looked at my journal entries from a year ago, and it's like nothing has changed. Same moody, same easily frustrated, same pondering of new monitors. *shakes head* So we're upping my original med to see if that helps, and I go back in a month (actually 28 days) to see how it's going. I hate changing meds, as side effect hell is well, hell. But this is a med I've been on for years, so upping it shouldn't cause too many. At least that's the hope.

Work was insane. Trying to make Sybase databases work, when I have almost no experience with them. I made some progress, but I had to wait on the senior admin to get in to show me how to fix the weird development setup. WHich I ended up arguing with all day on and off. Add to that lack of sleep, and a phone that was in a reboot loop and I was pretty close to having a fit. On the plus side, other than one testy email, no one gave me grief, even got thanks from one of the devs for leaping on to things and fixing them quickly. Was going to leave exactly at 5, but there was one last dev database missing, and since I had it down to a science, I stayed a little late to bring it up. Which verified my notes are good, so I'll try to write it up in detail tomorrow for the company wiki.

So yeah, I'm very tired, I'm stressed, I'm anxious about tomorrow's foo, because there's a ton of servers, and they're production machines, so not much wiggle room. With the experience last night it should be better, but I'm still worried about a career limiting move. So we'll see what I can do for better prep tomorrow. Also see if I can beat my phone into submission so it stops rebooting on me. Or contact the seller and get a replacement, since I'm still in the 90 day refurb warranty. But for now I'm going to chill out, got to bed early and hopefully feel better tomorrow.