Just got the call I’ve been dreading for weeks. And no reason to keep things secret, Kristell/Amythest is not going to get better. The stroke she had a few weeks ago was one of several, and basically the best prognosis is that she’ll stay the way she is, which has been non-responsive. So instead of slow improvement, it’s slow decline. Her sister signed the DNR order. Now we have to wait til she is gone.


We were supposed to be in the old folks home together causing mischief. Movies to see, another trip to NYC. Hugs. She’s always had my back, always forgiven me when I screwed up. And she’s never coming back.


At least when I talked to her last, on that amazingly shitty day, when she couldn’t say where she was, she knew who I was, she knew and understood when I said I love you, and could say it back. So at least our final words to each other were those.


No, I’m not ok. No I won’t be ok any time soon. No, you can’t help right now. No, you don’t have to worry about me doing something stupid right now. Yes, if I think of something I’ll ask. And no, I can’t take time off yet, will tell my boss and team what’s up tomorrow. Who knows, maybe they’ll cut me loose because I’ll probably not be working my best.

Sorry it’s been so long.

230 more days after that 400 day post. Sorry that I haven't posted anything, there so much that's gone on. And the idea of writing it out is A. terrifying because it's A LOT of stuff, and B. terrifying because it's 7.5 months of emotional storms, and a full breakdown. And I'm still trying to stop my slide into... I don't know. I keep thinking I've hit bottom, then no, oh look, more things to hit. So I'll try to write more, more things that aren't best for FB microblogging. Don't hold your breath, it may be another 200+ days.

Vulpine

Why weird ?

Before you post an article or comment about "Why were the 70's so weird?" just remember. The 70's were weird. End statement. Us GenXs were just as strange as our boomer cohorts. Even the Silent (who rarely were) and Best (a lot were, many weren't) generations got kind of loopy in the 70's.

Also, the 60s were strange, the 50's were loopy, the 40s were all over the place, the 30s were twisted, the 20's were gaga, and the 10's were cuckoo for coca leaves.

The 80s were crazy, the 90's smelled funky, the 00s were ought of their flippin' minds, the 10s (2, electric boogaloo) were bizarro and the new 20's well...are a series of homicidal maniacs knocking on the door.

We've always been weird, we'll always be weird, and some of us will always complain that the old days weren't as weird as now, and others will say the old days were 3 times as weird as now.

Just accept it.

It's weird.

The First Quarter in Dunwich

Got the keys to Dunwich Abbey 3 months ago. I've also been in hermit mode for 34 days. Not much has changed, I've made a smidge of progress on book organizing, I've dealt with work foo, the post migration foo has been catching up with everything else. Had to drive to the office twice and the datacenter twice this week, mostly due to a lack of communication. I took Monday off because I seriously just didn't care to talk to anyone, I'm also taking tomorrow off for a similar reason...but not completely.

Tomorrow is the anniversary of Mom's passing. It's been five years, seems like it was just the other day. I'm probably going to be ok, but I think this is the worst time to take a gamble on that, and to deal with some really frustrating meetings. So I'll try to decompress some, have a good cry or two if the spirits move me, then back to the looney bin on Friday.

Oh, I officially found out today I am not currently running a fever. Went for allergy shots today, and since my doc's office is attached to a hospital, I had to get my temp taken. Normal. Doctor's staff did it again, also normal. So that hopefully will shut up my hypochondriac limbic system. Otherwise it's the same, random coughing fits when the phlegm runs.

So long story short, not much has changed in the last few months, other than kind of getting used to the new place, and the new town. And the big changes/additions/etc require help, and that violates the whole social distancing thing. But eventually it will work out. Until then, I'll keep tentacling along.

Not doing so good. One of my best friends, the person who I think of as my little sister, has been in the hospital since before I got sick. Today I got a message from her husband that I need to be back up at the hospital ASAP. Not going into detail, but her lungs are failing, and there isn't any options to correct it. Either her body finds a way to heal itself, or she doesn't recover. Was up at the hospital, emotions pretty well locked in a box whenever I was around people. Got people talking about other things, or listened to them when they talked sad. What I'm good at. I learned how to compartmentalize emotions when Dad was in hospice. I also learned to not keep the box closed too long. So when I felt the end of my rope, I said my goodbyes and came home. Got myself into a shower, had a good cry, and have been distracting myself since.

So what's next? No idea, that's up to things so far outside of my control it's not funny. So it's one day at a time, one tentacle in front of another, and making sure I take care of myself. Tomorrow, unless I need to be else where, will probably be doing the tasks I dropped today. Then work, which I'll have to really work at focusing to get a project with a short time frame done and out the door. Then it's Thanksgiving, which to be honest ATM I'm not very thankful for much. Then the project implementation for work, then probably a holiday change freeze., which I'll have to spend catching up on a lot of other stuff, plus moving prep and Cthulhumas.

Oh, this version of my blog will be going away at some point. Wordpress is too cumbersome for how I want to blog, so unless I think of a better option, I think I'll be going back to using Livejournal and importing that feed into the Innsmouth website, like I did years ago on Cabal23.net. The LJ API hasn't changed much, and I can still use an ancient perl script I have to log in and post. And frankly, the worries we all had about Soviet LJ seem to be tiny all things considered. None of the content will vanish, because I cross posted most everything to LJ since I started on Wordpress. We'll see how it works out. But for now, back to tuning out and watching comfort movies.

Words of comfort

"When asked what advantage he found in serving Tsathoggua the sleeping god, Eibon replied 'Rather I would believe in a god that sleepeth than that the travails of the world should be the will of a waking providence"

The Book of Eibon, the Apophthegmata of Eibon, verse 17

Off To Innsmouth West

Leaving for the HP Lovecraft Film Festival in a few hours, and coming back Sunday day. So pretty much just a flying visit to Innsmouth West. But I'll get my pilgrimage to Powell's Books, and see the big films I want to see. Topping the list is the Richard Stanley & Nicholas Cage production of 'The Color Out of Space', on a really big screen. I'll also get to hang out with a few hundred cool cultists. As usual I'm majorly wound up over the traveling part. TSA and flying are both stressful to me, even with me signing up for the TSA EZCheck or whatever it's called. Hopefully it's as easy as it's name. I also have to get through 3 meetings in my 4 hour shift today, one of which shall be an utter pain in the rump. But at 1500 CDT, I'll be up in the air, Junior Byakhee. So see you all when I get back.

Back from Providence

Flew back in from Providence yesterday. I had a really good time, and I’ll try to post about it this weekend. I’m tired, and I miss Providence already, but it’s kind of good to be home. Catch you all later.

The Internet is broken, and I’m not doing so good myself

Ok, most of the internet isn't broken today, just mostly Facebook here at Château Innsmouth. But it sounded like a good subject. Because, I'm honestly not doing so hot. Strap in, this will probably be long.

First, a friend of mine had a major heart attack the other night, he's in critical care as they try to get him stable enough for surgery. We met online, fellow weird bookhounds, and I got to meet him in person last year in Providence. So I'm more than a little worried about him. If you could spare prayers/good thoughts/whatever for a friend of mine, I would appreciate it.

Second, the apartment complex Château Innsmouth is currently in is going through crazy levels of change. Last Friday I left home for lunch, and by the time I got back there were new signs up with a new complex name. Later on that afternoon I got a note in my door about how we've been bought, and stuff will change, but we'll like it. So far we've been giving a new website that fails to load correctly, an email about how to setup autopay, where autopay doesn't work, so yesterday I walked over with my checkbook. I had to wait in line to pay, because there were issues with everyone's rent, seems those not on autopay/email notification got screwed up rent amounts. But when they pulled me up on their system, it was the correct amount, so they got a check. Was also told about all the 'Great changes' coming to the apartments. Please Cthulhu, let them ignore me til my lease is up. Everything is pointed to them trying to turn this into 'luxury' or 'premium' apartments, when this is just a middle of the road place to live. Glad I already planned to move.

Third, My anxiety is really bloody high. Tomorrow is a day off, but it's also a stressful day (fireworks while pretty, are loud...and I live less than a mile from where my town launches them). I think I'm hooking up my white noise generator to an amp, or I'll be up later than planned. I'm working Friday, but from home. I've got a lot of stuff to do, I should have worked the full shift today, but when they said 'down tools at 2pm' I didn't argue. So Friday I'm hoping I'll be mostly left alone and able to focus on my projects. We'll see.

On the plus side, I have over 36 hours of down time, I have food, I have books, I have movies. And I have no where I physically have to be til Saturday afternoon (assuming nothing requires me to go to the office or datacenter). I'm going to see the new Spider-Man flick with friends, which I'm vaguely dreading, i finally got around to watching the first one, and I had to fast forward...a lot. I don't do embarrassment well, and a 15 year old superhero who wants to prove himself is going to be full of embarrassment. Hopefully a couple of years will settle things a bit. But I really prefer my superheroes to be at least old enough to drink. But on the other tentacle, the actor really gets the attitude of Spider-man in the action scenes. And I really want to see the credits scenes. I'm really hoping for a clue as to the next set of MCU flicks.

And in the time it's taken me to write this, it looks like the internet has been fixed. I'm dragging tired. I may make it an early night tonight. Well early for not having to get up tomorrow for work. Time to finish this post though. Ciao.

Happy $holiday to all

Myself, and all the inhabitants of Innsmouth and Y'ha-nthlei wish everyone a happy Winter Tide. Be social, be solitary, be squamous, and here's to all of us nuts having a better time of things. *raises a Shoggoth's Olde Peculiar in salute*