Just got the call I’ve been dreading for weeks. And no reason to keep things secret, Kristell/Amythest is not going to get better. The stroke she had a few weeks ago was one of several, and basically the best prognosis is that she’ll stay the way she is, which has been non-responsive. So instead of slow improvement, it’s slow decline. Her sister signed the DNR order. Now we have to wait til she is gone.
We were supposed to be in the old folks home together causing mischief. Movies to see, another trip to NYC. Hugs. She’s always had my back, always forgiven me when I screwed up. And she’s never coming back.
At least when I talked to her last, on that amazingly shitty day, when she couldn’t say where she was, she knew who I was, she knew and understood when I said I love you, and could say it back. So at least our final words to each other were those.
No, I’m not ok. No I won’t be ok any time soon. No, you can’t help right now. No, you don’t have to worry about me doing something stupid right now. Yes, if I think of something I’ll ask. And no, I can’t take time off yet, will tell my boss and team what’s up tomorrow. Who knows, maybe they’ll cut me loose because I’ll probably not be working my best.
230 more days after that 400 day post. Sorry that I haven't posted anything, there so much that's gone on. And the idea of writing it out is A. terrifying because it's A LOT of stuff, and B. terrifying because it's 7.5 months of emotional storms, and a full breakdown. And I'm still trying to stop my slide into... I don't know. I keep thinking I've hit bottom, then no, oh look, more things to hit. So I'll try to write more, more things that aren't best for FB microblogging. Don't hold your breath, it may be another 200+ days.
Hopefully I'm not the only person who's had variants of Humble Pie's "30
Days in the Hole" playing in my head. No, just me huh? Ok. Yep, as of
1900 CDT, I hit 400 days since I started the whole isolation thing. Yeah,
I know I've not been a complete hermit, I should have clocked off at 395
when I went to visit Amythest and got real hugs, and cat time. But
round numbers, we'se likes them.
So what does that mean? Well, since that day in March 2020, I've pretty
much phoned in my existence. Haven't read much, can't say I've done
anything to earn employee of the year, or done more than the bare minimums
to keep going. Not being mean to myself, it's a fact I've been running
on auxiliary power and batteries, Most of us have. But, it's been 400 days.
Time to let engineering bring the warp core back online.
(Have I mentioned I've read a lot of Star Trek wiki articles lately?)
So, I'm going to start working on eating betterish, and not ordering
out every day. I'm going to get my tuchus out of the computer chair,
and get more exercising than me going to get water every hour or so. I'm
going to be social more with my friends, at least those where we're safe
from each other virii wise (still going to be careful though, Mom did not
raise an idiot. RIP Mom). I'm still going to do most of my shopping
by remote, and wear a mask and avoid strangers, and everything else that
keeps me and others safe. While trying to live a little.
6 months from tomorrow, I hit another Spawning day. 6 months to make
some improvements. To catch up with people I care about. To open the gates
to N'kai and deliver Tsathoggua upon this realms of snacks... Ok, that
last bit should have been using my inner monologue, but I'm pretty sure that's
never coming back after the last year of saying pretty much what came to
mind when it did.
Well it's Friday, it's payday. Got up before my work alarm would have woke me up. Got ready, did my run to Recycled Books. Timed it well, got to the door a minute before they opened the door. Got some old "Whispers" issues (or collections, not 100% sure), and a couple of books on books. Didn't stay all that long, didn't even go down to the basement to look at history. I think my inner collector was happy with the "Whispers", and the books on books were the cherries on the book hunting cake. Went from there to a local Lowes to return the drill I bought earlier this week. It's a good took, but that money is better spent elsewhere, especially after I figured out my little drill/screwdriver is good enough as long as I change the batteries fairly quick.
Got home right around 11, so instead of bumming around for an hour, I switched my PTO to 2 hours and logged in. A dev wanted to ask how much of a pain setting up a local ClamAV mirror would be for the devnet boxes. I said "Probably reading a page of documentation, going "oh I remember doing this." then setting it up. Only problem is I don't want to run it off a dev's machine, so I'll do it as part of Tuesday's work which includes throwing up a test box for my own use, which will include the mirror now. Gotta keep myself busy.
No wild 3 day weekend plans, well besides the fortnightly supply run. If my back and shoulder are up to it, I may do some reorganizing, but I say that every weekend I think. Shudder has "Slaxx" the killer jeans movie, which sounds like what the mad scientist ordered for tonight. Ok, I'll catch you lot later.
Next Friday marks 1 year being mostly isolated. Last time I was out
with a bunch of my friends. Time flies when life goes whackadoodle. Not
going to dwell much on the last year, lets talk now. Tomorrow, I get my
first COVID-19 vaccine. (may be the only, I honestly have no clue which
one I'm getting). So not the end, but maybe a big waypoint? What will
change in Vulpine's life? Very little, Still going to mask the same,
still going to avoid crowds and interior social situations, unless both
parties are vaccinated, and even then probably not often. Basically until
the mortality/"Long Haul" rates drop and someone smarter than me says "Ok,
you can do this now." And no, politicians don't count. Sucks, but I rather
not get people sick, or kill them.
And starting this next work week, we take apart the Carcosa Corp datacenter.
Nearly everything is migrated to 'The Cloud' (a term I loathe). So Monday
I start shutting down things to see if we missed anything vital, then
we start unracking things to be hauled off. I'm a little sad, I've spent
half a decade dealing with that tiny DC (compared to The Shoggoth Pit).
Going to be weird saying goodbye. On the other tentacle, will be nice
to not have to drive into another county to fix things.
I had plans on other things to write, but yeah... I lost whatever they were.
So I guess I'll call this a post. Ciao cultists.
1 year ago yesterday I got the keys to the new place at Dunwich Abbey. Boy it
has been a heck of a year. Not going to try to recap, too much. So here's
the status, signed a new lease on the place that kicks in Feb 1. I'm
definitely _not_ done with unpacking, or organizing. I can't say I'll be
in better straits this year, though I hope to be. Need more bookshelves. If
I was a smart cultist, I'd spend this long weekend organizing, but instead
I'll be cleaning most of it (was down with a sinus infection most of the
week and things got a little...crazy). But even with the disorganization,
definitely love this place a lot more than I ever did with Château Innsmouth.
I outgrew there years ago, but fear and funds kept me from moving. Here's
to more years of coolness.
Well, 2020 is less than 8 hours from being over (at least here at Dunwich
Abbey). And boy has it been one hell of a corker. Not going to do a
major run down, because in that way lies depression cycles. Nor am I going
to plan for the future, as well chaos is reigning and my skills at
prognostication are about as good as always. So, here's some random foo
from the year.
Finally got my ass moved. Signed a 2nd lease for another year. Still not all
unpacked, but it's not been the most energetic year here. Still beats the
Recommended with some friends I'd lost contact with, stayed in contact with
other friends, and met some new friends. Definitely a net postive there.
Had a long dry patch when it came to reading, definitely bought a lot more
books than I read. I'm slowly getting back into the reading vibe, which is
good because there's been a lot of good books this year. Lots more
scheduled for next year as well. Hopefully at some point I can get more
bookshelves in here without worrying about it being a plague vector.
Not a lot else that's sanity safe. Health is ok, I really could be
doing better, but well this is the year where 'good enough' is really
'great'. Mental health dropped some, but it's mostly been steady at a
kind of lower level, again given the situation, it's a win.
So yeah, that's my very short, very shallow thoughts on 2020. My plans for
2021 are about the same as the last 9 months. Stay safe, wait til it's my
turn to get a vaccine, keep my friends safe, and hopefully some time in
2021 get to do more of the things I enjoy outside of Dunwich Abbey. So
here's to the future, may it be gentle to us all.
Ugg, I've been productive today, and now I'm having what's becoming a Tsathoggua Tsathurday tradition, slowly building anxiety and an inability to focus on anything"fun". But, at least I've noticed it, so maybe I can get it under control.
Oh, for the curious, I managed to get the books I keep on my desk reorganized, using a "spice rack" shelving unit to add more room, looks a little weird, but it works. I also finally got the printer I bought months ago setup, plugged in, and configured. Lexmark color laser thingie. (People who know me know I dislike working with printers because they are...quirky, especially with linux). Simple config, seems to just work. Oh, and got packages, spicy Latin phrases, pins from a Kickstarter I'd forgotten about, and the bi-yearly journal foo from the Friends of Arthur Machen. (aka amazing levels of book nerdery).
As the subject says, today is 7 months since I moved in, and it's a little
past 5 months since I basically went para-hermit. My plans for this place
have slowed glacially, but bit by bit things are coming together. The
library is just about setup, though nothing is terribly organized. But
that will probably take forever, given how easily it is for me to slip into
vapor lock right now.
Which will be my segue into the brainmeats. Not much has changed, Same
executive dysfunction, distraction, doomscrolling news/social media. But I
might be seeing an uptick. I've actually gotten some reading done lately,
gotten back into DuoLingo: Latin edition, and even worked on some non work
computer geek stuff. I still get the sads at the drop of a hat, and
anxiety is everywhere. But I have meds, I'm putting various coping skills
to use. One day at a time, one tentacle in front of another.
Other than that...oh yeah, any travel plans I had for this year are gone.
The one last thing I wanted to travel for was the HPLFF in Portland. But
the folks that run it made the logical/common sense call to make it all
online, both festivals. So next weekend is a short fest, to replace
the one that would be playing in Providence, and first weekend of October
will be the big festival. I'm sad I don't get to be with my fellow
Lovecraftians in person, which honestly is the best part of the 'fest. But
I'll get my movie fixes, and hopefully we can use technology to get some
socializing at a distance done. I'm also taking an little extra PTO for
both, so I can be extra chill.
Ok, I got distracted from this post...so I'll go ahead and call it a post.
And yeah, I know...two posts in one day. Don't get too excited.
7 years ago today I went from feeling off, to feeling ill, to the doc-in-a-box, to the ER with necrotizing fasciitis. Aka a flesh eating bacteria. Aka "Stan". I spent 2 weeks in the hospital, had 3 rather invasive surgeries, and spent 4+ weeks at home with a would vac and IV antibiotics. I could have died, the ER surgeon said if I'd waited another day, I'd have had an 20% chance of surviving. As it is, I have a beaut of a scar that it would be exceeding rude to show anyone randomly (the infection was in my groin). Luckily I wasn't body shy before this, because I was dropping my pants for a whole lot of people who _did_ want to see. Seems while Stan is not uncommon, it's uncommon enough that every doctor I saw (and there were a bunch) had an intern or 3 in tow, and would ask if I minded being a show and tell subject? And you know me, I like to help educate people.
So yeah, 7 years. Some days it seems like only yesterday. Other times it feels like it happened to someone else. So yeah. Btw, if you find an odd swelling on your body, and at the same time feel like you're coming down with the flu, get your ass to a doctor. It's a crappy time of recovery, but it beats being dead.
Today marks 5 months living in the new place. And we just clocked over
3 months in "social isolation". I haven't done much with the place. I more
or less vapor locked for a couple of months with making any kind of move
in progress. But the last few weekends I've managed some progress. Most of
the books are on shelves, and organized by subject/genre. Yes, the
Cthulhu Mythos/weird fic takes up the most room still, history is crammed into
1.5 shelves, with about the same for esoterica, and some other random subjects
shelved. Things like generic horror, sci-fi, and historical fiction are all
still boxed up, due to a lack of shelf space, and a lack of minions to
help me assemble replacement and upgrade shelves. Last post I talked about
a reorg, but after some fan rearranging I've got the study back to something
comfortable most of the time. So I'm mostly focusing on getting the library
and home theatre areas done. Yeah, I bought a new large-ish TV to watch
stuff in the living room. The idea, and practice, is that I can watch movies
with less distraction there. Especially foreign flicks that are subbed.
Still have the original TV in the study, along with most of the knickknacks,
some books, and computers. I'm still tempted to combine the two, especially
when I remember one of my dream layouts with a giant library and computers
and stuff. But that's a bunch of effort, and I like the current study layout.
So I guess we'll see what happens once social distancing doesn't need to
be so distant.
Mental health is still all over the place. Really, this is the worst time
to be afraid to reach out to folks, but I'm even less social than I was before
this. I hate phone calls even more, I ramble, I try to be funny and fill in
the silences. Then I over analyze what I say and feel horrible. Going
back to whatever constitutes the 'new normal' is anxiety generating as heck,
because my various coping skills are now designed around keeping me sane
without outside contact. Stress is high enough that I don't read a whole
lot, save audiobooks and podcasts and wiki pages. I watch a lot of movies,
especially my comfort flicks. Work is...well lets just not go there
right now. I saw my pshrink last week, via telemed. I'm doing the right
things as best as I can, I'm not utterly strung out (The unspoken why we
had a tele call vs a regular call, harder to cover up being majorly fucked
up). The one thing he wants me to do is 'go walking' which, given it's the
season of Hot, is pretty limited to me pacing in my apartment. Which is
bugging me, because I really wish I could go to the Atlantic and soak
my feet like last year, or go walking through the woods without
dying of heat. But, I can't. I can at least daydream about the outside
world. "natural" white noise at night allows me to daydream (before the
meds kick in), and a lot of those daydreams involve the ocean, or rock
scrambling like I used to do. Maybe when fall hits, I'll be able to
do something that feels like that. Assuming Covid19 hasn't gone from bad
to worse. Oh...to let you know how serious I'm taking it, It's been over
100 days since I entered a bookstore. I've gotten plenty of books,
yay small bookstores with online browsing, plus Amazon. But I have to have
some idea what I want. Bookstore I can walk into, and follow where the
book calls take me...and then I find the book I didn't know I needed. *sigh*
Texas says "It's safe" but the numbers beg to differ. But that being said,
I'm probably going to say fuck it one of these days, go the full monty,
and then wash myself in salt water and/or hydrogen peroxide when I get home.
So what's good in life, by Crom? Well, I'm having a staycation this week.
Taking Thursday and Friday off so I can focus on the online
Portland Horror Film Festival, run by my friends who do the HPLFF in October. I'd actually quasi planned
coming out to Portland for it last year, see what Portland in June is like.
But with Covid19, they have to social distance, so they moved everything
online. So I now have horror fun from Wednesday night to Sunday day. And
nothing major to do but watch movies and shorts, whatever online snarkery
happens, Good to have something to look forward to, because beyond that it's
a field of unknown. Let us pray that Tsathoggua and Cthulhu see fit to
grant us some kind of break. Or at least the strength to suck it up a while
longer, or the bravery to risk the virus for something more important than
retail therapy or boredom (and that's as close as I'm getting the politics
on my blog)