Not doing so good today. Last night was a series of classic vulpine
anxiety dreams. One involved a cat dying, not any cat I know, but still,
sad about kitty. Woke up from that bit of sad, decided to take my anxiety
med and try to go back to sleep. Which I did, and had an even worse
nightmare about celebrating a friend being in a big budget X-Men movie,
which was great and glorious, but all my friends at the party (save the movie
star), treated me as a leper. I woke up crying, and I felt like I’d been
run over by a train. Great way to start a Saturday.
So I’m wide awake at 7:30am, depressed as hell, scared as fuck of going back
to sleep. So I got up, checked the mail, and went to the store. Adulting,
even when I had 0 desire to adult. Groceries gotten, some general chores
done, been watching the first two ‘Species’ movies. Trying not to think
much, as I’d like my brain to leave me alone.
Between the dreams, and the perpetual allergy war, and the world diving into
an unhappy kind of insanity, lets just say I’m kind of hoping the comet that’s nnearby takes a left turn and smacks into the planet. At least there are
always books. They give so much, they ask so little.
I’ll be ok, these things pass, sooner or later. Later today I’m going to
see ‘John Wick 2’ with some friends, which I hope helps. Catch you all
I’m not doing so hot. Last night’s maintenance was stressful and ended up
having a bunch of issues in the AM, things I was told would just work
after reboots. But before that, I went to the pshrink and admitted that
my depression cycles are getting worse, my temper is short, and I spend a
lot of time thinking about regrets and sad memories. It started during the
build up to the anniversary of Mom’s passing, but it didn’t really go
away. What really sucks, I looked at my journal entries from a year ago,
and it’s like nothing has changed. Same moody, same easily frustrated,
same pondering of new monitors. *shakes head* So we’re upping my
original med to see if that helps, and I go back in a month (actually
28 days) to see how it’s going. I hate changing meds, as side effect hell
is well, hell. But this is a med I’ve been on for years, so upping it
shouldn’t cause too many. At least that’s the hope.
Work was insane. Trying to make Sybase databases work, when I have almost
no experience with them. I made some progress, but I had to wait on the
senior admin to get in to show me how to fix the weird development setup.
WHich I ended up arguing with all day on and off. Add to that lack of
sleep, and a phone that was in a reboot loop and I was pretty close to
having a fit. On the plus side, other than one testy email, no one gave
me grief, even got thanks from one of the devs for leaping on to things
and fixing them quickly. Was going to leave exactly at 5, but there
was one last dev database missing, and since I had it down to a science,
I stayed a little late to bring it up. Which verified my notes are good,
so I’ll try to write it up in detail tomorrow for the company wiki.
So yeah, I’m very tired, I’m stressed, I’m anxious about tomorrow’s foo,
because there’s a ton of servers, and they’re production machines, so not
much wiggle room. With the experience last night it should be better, but
I’m still worried about a career limiting move. So we’ll see what I can
do for better prep tomorrow. Also see if I can beat my phone into
submission so it stops rebooting on me. Or contact the seller and get a
replacement, since I’m still in the 90 day refurb warranty. But for now
I’m going to chill out, got to bed early and hopefully feel better tomorrow.
Still in mid mood swing. Even with a good Saturday activities.
Saw ‘Crimson Peak’, saw friends I don’t see all the time, hung out
with Amythest post movie…still was wanting to hide at home. Came home
fairly early, curled up in bed with books. Slept a lot last night,
more dreams, not quite as overkill active. But same thing as yesterday,
I woke up and got out of bed, and I just felt blah. Not any one thing,
just blah. Cancelled on me and Amythest’s usual Sunday hangout, she
could tell in my voice I wasn’t social. Best friends knowing me are
very good things. So I’m just going to stay home today and hide. Books,
tv shows about hauntings, things to make me relax.
Really don’t have anything else to say. Guess I’ll call this a post. Catch
you all later.
Woke up from good dreams to mood crash. Nothing’s changed, but boy am
I depressed. Taken my meds, eating some breakfast, and I have plans to
go be with friends. I’m functional, but very down. *sigh* Maybe going
to the movies to see ‘Crimson Peak’ with some of my favorite peoples will
help. If not, well, said favorite people are experienced with sad foxes,
so I should be ok either way. Not sure what the fix is, or if there’s a
fix. Some days I just have to trudge on. Going to put my trudging shoes
on. Catch you all later.
Hey all those who read this. I haven’t been cross posting the latest LJ
posts to here, mostly because they’re repetative and kind of whiny. I’m
not sure if I’ll continue to seperate this from my daily braindump or not.
I do like how I have wordpress basically setup here, but I feel like I
should have more informative posts here. I dunno, it may just be I’m
down in the dumps and having issues. We’ll see…it’s the internet, nothing
is set in stone.
At least today had tentacles. Aquarium visit and sleepy Giant Pacific Octopus,
plus friends makes for a better day. Tomorrow will hopefully be a step
in the right mental direction. Talk more later