If you follow me on Facebook, you’ve already seen most of this.
It’s not been a good week. I had a near breakdown this week. I think I’ve
tapered off my old med too fast, and between stress from helping a friend,
bad sleep, fretting over the bill from my dental emergency and work, and the combination became a ‘perfect storm’ and
well, I went pretty far down. I’m better now, functioning if not great.
Little better each day, but still I have to fight the depression at least
once or twice a day. It was bad enough I found reading to be tedious,
and that’s one of those great signs that something is wrong.
But, on the plus side, I managed to not call in with ennui once this
week. I’ve gotten stuff done, if not as much as I’d (or my work) would
like. I’ve also found reading to be easier and more entertaining, reading
classics like Lovecraft and Brian Lumley (the first modern day mythos
writer I ever read). I’m sleeping better, not great but better. The plan
is to try tapering off again when I’m under less stress. When that will
be? I dunno. One tentacle at a time and all that.
So, it’s the weekend. And payday. Weekend plans are more friend helping,
but nothing crazy like last weekend. Also, I’m probably going to go see
‘Wonder Woman’ because, it looks like a whole lot of fun. Tonight is
watching ‘Life’ again, it’s currently on and it’s a lot of fun (for values
of pentapods destroying humanity). Will probably stay up kind of late and
try to regenerate tentacles with movies and geeking, then probably more
Lumley or similar reading, and sleeping in if I can. Wish me luck, both
with sleep and with getting better.
Well it’s another week, and I’m not doing so hot. Had a relapse after last
weekend, doctor called in new antibiotics which have helped. But I still
feel pretty lousy. My lungs are really tight, I’ve been using the inhaler
a bunch. It helps, but I have a feeling I need to find a respiratory
specialist and get my lungs really checked out. Along with an allergist,
and possibly a full body transplant specialist. So if anyone is experimenting with building cyborgs, I may be your guinea pig.
I worked from home Mon-Wed. I was told rather firmly to go home since I
sounded like a TB ward. I got stuff done, but I still feel like a slacker.
*sigh* Oh, I haven’t mentioned it, but I have a new boss. Nothing bad,
just some reshuffling above my level. Going to actually meet the guy
(he works out of Atlanta, soon to be Tennessee) next week. I do kind of
like having remote managers, less of the insanity of a former employer.
Plus, me and my team mates just work well together, no real need for a
day to day watch over us kind of guy.
Due to the relapse, I’ve mentally canceled most of my weekend plans. Not
sure I want to leave the house, not sure I’ll be able to do all the chores
that are backed up either though. I really don’t know. I’m going to try
to get at least the minimum I need for survival, if I can do more, I will,
and if I can’t…well *throws tentacles in the air*
Mental health is…poor. Mom’s anniversary of her passing is next weekend,
and I’ve had lots of reminders of things in the last couple of weeks. The
pneumonia is definitely NOT helping. (Her death, for those who don’t know,
was due to a bout of pneumonia). Add to that the world news lately, and
personal issues I don’t want to go into on here, I’m really not a happy
fox. Seriously, I think the only reason I haven’t had a full on meltdown
is I’m going numb before it happens. Hiding in books, in movies. I have a
pshrink visit in a few weeks, and I sense we’ll be changing things.
In regards to the new news on Livejournal, I’m honestly not sure I give a
darn. Not that I particularly trust the Russian Federation, but there
really isn’t anything on there I’m concerned about. On the other tentacle,
they’re no longer using SSL. That’s bad, m’kay. I even tried to force it,
nope redirect to port 80. Not sure how much I want to go to DW. I already
have a blog, and I have a sort of copy of all my posts on LJ. But since
I don’t really have the tentacles to cope with a decision, I’m not going
to make one just yet.
So what am I going to do this weekend? Besides at least the bare minimum
of chores, I’m watching movies. Specifically right now ‘The Void’, which
I’ve been waiting for with major anticipation. I also picked up both
‘Alien vs Predator’ movies on bluray to complete my current collection. So
maybe Aliens marathon tomorrow, or something else. Or I may just read
all the books. I really am just going to try to relax, hopefully my lungs
will feel better, and I’ll be in a better place come Monday. I can dream
Not doing so good today. Last night was a series of classic vulpine
anxiety dreams. One involved a cat dying, not any cat I know, but still,
sad about kitty. Woke up from that bit of sad, decided to take my anxiety
med and try to go back to sleep. Which I did, and had an even worse
nightmare about celebrating a friend being in a big budget X-Men movie,
which was great and glorious, but all my friends at the party (save the movie
star), treated me as a leper. I woke up crying, and I felt like I’d been
run over by a train. Great way to start a Saturday.
So I’m wide awake at 7:30am, depressed as hell, scared as fuck of going back
to sleep. So I got up, checked the mail, and went to the store. Adulting,
even when I had 0 desire to adult. Groceries gotten, some general chores
done, been watching the first two ‘Species’ movies. Trying not to think
much, as I’d like my brain to leave me alone.
Between the dreams, and the perpetual allergy war, and the world diving into
an unhappy kind of insanity, lets just say I’m kind of hoping the comet that’s nnearby takes a left turn and smacks into the planet. At least there are
always books. They give so much, they ask so little.
I’ll be ok, these things pass, sooner or later. Later today I’m going to
see ‘John Wick 2’ with some friends, which I hope helps. Catch you all
I’m not doing so hot. Last night’s maintenance was stressful and ended up
having a bunch of issues in the AM, things I was told would just work
after reboots. But before that, I went to the pshrink and admitted that
my depression cycles are getting worse, my temper is short, and I spend a
lot of time thinking about regrets and sad memories. It started during the
build up to the anniversary of Mom’s passing, but it didn’t really go
away. What really sucks, I looked at my journal entries from a year ago,
and it’s like nothing has changed. Same moody, same easily frustrated,
same pondering of new monitors. *shakes head* So we’re upping my
original med to see if that helps, and I go back in a month (actually
28 days) to see how it’s going. I hate changing meds, as side effect hell
is well, hell. But this is a med I’ve been on for years, so upping it
shouldn’t cause too many. At least that’s the hope.
Work was insane. Trying to make Sybase databases work, when I have almost
no experience with them. I made some progress, but I had to wait on the
senior admin to get in to show me how to fix the weird development setup.
WHich I ended up arguing with all day on and off. Add to that lack of
sleep, and a phone that was in a reboot loop and I was pretty close to
having a fit. On the plus side, other than one testy email, no one gave
me grief, even got thanks from one of the devs for leaping on to things
and fixing them quickly. Was going to leave exactly at 5, but there
was one last dev database missing, and since I had it down to a science,
I stayed a little late to bring it up. Which verified my notes are good,
so I’ll try to write it up in detail tomorrow for the company wiki.
So yeah, I’m very tired, I’m stressed, I’m anxious about tomorrow’s foo,
because there’s a ton of servers, and they’re production machines, so not
much wiggle room. With the experience last night it should be better, but
I’m still worried about a career limiting move. So we’ll see what I can
do for better prep tomorrow. Also see if I can beat my phone into
submission so it stops rebooting on me. Or contact the seller and get a
replacement, since I’m still in the 90 day refurb warranty. But for now
I’m going to chill out, got to bed early and hopefully feel better tomorrow.
Still in mid mood swing. Even with a good Saturday activities.
Saw ‘Crimson Peak’, saw friends I don’t see all the time, hung out
with Amythest post movie…still was wanting to hide at home. Came home
fairly early, curled up in bed with books. Slept a lot last night,
more dreams, not quite as overkill active. But same thing as yesterday,
I woke up and got out of bed, and I just felt blah. Not any one thing,
just blah. Cancelled on me and Amythest’s usual Sunday hangout, she
could tell in my voice I wasn’t social. Best friends knowing me are
very good things. So I’m just going to stay home today and hide. Books,
tv shows about hauntings, things to make me relax.
Really don’t have anything else to say. Guess I’ll call this a post. Catch
you all later.
Woke up from good dreams to mood crash. Nothing’s changed, but boy am
I depressed. Taken my meds, eating some breakfast, and I have plans to
go be with friends. I’m functional, but very down. *sigh* Maybe going
to the movies to see ‘Crimson Peak’ with some of my favorite peoples will
help. If not, well, said favorite people are experienced with sad foxes,
so I should be ok either way. Not sure what the fix is, or if there’s a
fix. Some days I just have to trudge on. Going to put my trudging shoes
on. Catch you all later.
Hey all those who read this. I haven’t been cross posting the latest LJ
posts to here, mostly because they’re repetative and kind of whiny. I’m
not sure if I’ll continue to seperate this from my daily braindump or not.
I do like how I have wordpress basically setup here, but I feel like I
should have more informative posts here. I dunno, it may just be I’m
down in the dumps and having issues. We’ll see…it’s the internet, nothing
is set in stone.
At least today had tentacles. Aquarium visit and sleepy Giant Pacific Octopus,
plus friends makes for a better day. Tomorrow will hopefully be a step
in the right mental direction. Talk more later