Not been doing good healthwise. Thought I had a bad sinus infection, but
I woke up yesterday in major pain centered around a tooth. So yay, dentist.
I'm very phobic about dentists. They ended up extracting the tooth, which
was a royal pain in the jaw because I'm a mutant, and I have extra roots
that extend deep into the jaw. So it took forever to extract, I had to
repeatedly remind myself that clenching up every muscle wasn't going to
help things. Still I came out of it in more pain in my joints and neck than
in my jaw. My hands were shaking and I felt light headed most of last
night, and I barely slept. Took today off as comp time (working on
President's day, a Carcosa Corp holiday). I'm mostly spending today eating
soft food and watching 80's horror movies. I'm hoping I'm back to normal
enough to spend some time with friends tomorrow.
Providence trip is a week from tomorrow. I'm kind of a basket case about
it at the moment, the trip, the state of me, etc. To be honest, I've thought
about canceling it...will decide later on. 'Try to avoid major decisions
when depressed, in pain, or stressed'. So we'll see. *sigh*
On the bright side I've read a lot of good books in the last week. I
highly recommend 'Widow's Point' by Richard and Billy Chizmar, a classic
ghost story that grabs you and doesn't let go. If you like military
sci-fiesque, 'The Void' by Greig Beck won't let you down. Super-soldiers
vs space monsters. If you rather have movies, 'The Ritual', an adaptation
of Adam Nevill's novel will convince you to never go hiking again. Or if
you want horror comedy gore, see 'Victor Crowley', the 4th 'Hatchet' movie.
So that's my random one line reviews.
That's about it. Hoping I can make til bedtime tonight, and get some
real sleep. I'll also like it when my body stops being in full flake mode.
Have a good night boys and ghouls.
Haven't had the ...whatever powers blogposts in a while. Part of it is
the less than great headspace I've been in. Work is somewhat stressful,
with us being short an admin, and the different groups I am matrix managed
by are pulling in various ways. Brainmeats are pretty annoying too, with
all my usual issues showing themselves, usually when I could really use
Took a long weekend from work, off Friday through Monday, back on Tuesday.
Probably one of my better decisions. I've caught up on sleep, caught up
on laundry and chores and managed to rearrange bookshelves to make room for...
more books. *chuckle* I expect to come back from my trip to Providence
with a bunch of books, so I'm trying to make room for them. I've also
spent yesterday and today updating the VM horde. New versions of Fedora,
OpenSuSE and LinuxMint, so I've been busy. It's also therapeutic, I find
patching to relax me.
Speaking of Providence, I leave in less than 3 weeks. Half a week of
wandering Providence and nearby environs, and the StokerCon fun and games.
My plans are kind of nebulous, I really should sit down and get my list
of stuff down on paper (virtual). Museums and history sites, bookstores,
and of course all things Lovecraft, plus whatever insanity I get up to at
StokerCon. Should be a lot of fun, and I'm finally getting to go visit
Grandpa Theobald's stomping grounds.
I'm about to call it a day, turn off the movies and spend the rest of the
night in a book. Or several. Books that is. Hopefully tonight is restful
and full of good reading, and tomorrow I get a final day of time off before
back to the crazy. Wish me luck.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving here in the US. But I can't say the last week and
a half has made me terribly grateful. Carcosa Corp had a reduction in
force. My manager and his manager are gone, and much worse, one of my best
friends (and coworker) also got cut. There's also a major reorg in the works.
But not much in the way of details, other than I still have a spot on the
org chart for next year. To say I'm unhappy is a major understatement.
People got decent severance packages from what I heard, and I don't see
any of the people I know being out of work long. But I've got a case of
survivor's guilt, plus not knowing what I'll be really doing in 2 months,
plus trying to keep up with everything going on, and I'm a bundle of nerves.
Spent most of this week dealing with Sybase database issues that I really
don't know, though I'm learning a bunch on the fly. Working on Black
Friday, where I'll be doing a crash course in database migration.
On top of that, I've been feeling lousy, not so much allergies as I think
my BP meds are starting to have less affect on me. I'm going to the doctor
next week for a med check/blood work. So I'll ask about things. My BP
cuff says I'm about the same as always, but for all I know I'm using it wrong.
Pshrink visit showed my bp as higher than usual. Speaking of physical foo,
I sat wrong on my chair, and it slid out from under me and I hit the floor.
No damage. other than it ratcheted my anxiety up (and gave my elbow a good
whack). Depression is way up there too, I really need to stop looking at
So, that's all the bad...or at least all the bad I can stomach writing about
right now. So what's good? Well I invested in some blurays, 2 collections
of Paul Naschy flicks (king of Spanish horror films). Most of which I've never seen, so
I'm currently having a binge of his flicks. Definitely better than watching
Sybase databases. Also lots of good books out, including a few signed books
*waves at Pete Rawlik and Sam Gafford*. My friends, as always, are awesome,
and I've gotten a lot of critter time recently. And I'm at least having
less anxiety dreams. Oh yeah, and in joining the 21st century, I had my
first grocery delivery. Not sure if I'll do this on a regular basis, there's
a lack of some of my staples. But compared to going to the store 2 days
before turkey day, it was amazing.
Long weekend plans? Tomorrow is sleeping in, then afternoon meal with
Amythest and clan, staying as long as my cope lasts. Friday is another
day at the office, with the above mentioned database migrations. Friday night
will probably be more Naschy flicks. Saturday is the annual Soup and Movie
fest, also at Amythest's place. Sunday will be chores and recovery and trying
to find the tentacles to deal with the upcoming work week. Since I'm working
on Black Friday, I'm off work the next Friday. Probably will be mostly a
down weekend, vegging and such.
So that's the state of the fox. Feeling a little better getting some stuff
down on virtual paper. Going to watch some more Eurohorror then head to
bed. Night everyone.
Well this week was a lot more ups and downs. Lets get the downs out of
the way. It's official, I'm not doing the magnetic treatment, seems that
'we figured out the insurance problem' actually meant 'oh what the hell,
lets try again.' How am I doing about that? Resigned. I intentionally
kept my hope to a minimum. Pshrink visit went ok, all things considered
I'm handling things alright, so same meds, come back after the holiday
season, unless stuff changes. Which given the silly season is their
busiest time. I also had a case of unexpected sadness earlier this week.
Got a wild hair to look up where my uncle's name was from, and I found
his obituary from 2011. I knew he'd passed, I thought I'd mourned when it
happened. But seeing his face and hearing about the good he did in his
community, well I started crying. And the next day I wrote something
about it on Facebook, and the tears started up again. Guess between losing
my friend's dad, and seeing my uncle well, opened up the waterworks.
Otherwise it's been anxiety and feeling down a good chunk of the time.
I'm rather down right now. News, worries about people I care about, and
my anxiety spiking up randomly. I was going to try to work on cleaning
up some of the clutter in the the areas that are out of sight...but I
don't have the tentacles for it, so I'll do it another weekend.
Not been a good fortnight and change. We lost a friend of mine's father
last week, and it's been hard. Not just seeing someone I care about hurting,
but I had my own relationship with him. And I really haven't had much
time to sit and process. I also have a feeling the TMS treatment is back
off the table, as all I've heard from my insurance was 'denial, review,
silence' and from the provider 'silence'. I have another pshrink visit
on Wednesday, which means it's been a month since this got put back on the
table. At least I'm not also trying to go off seroquel as well at the
same time. Allergies still suck. Not much to say about that though, Texas
is hell, and we're coming up on cedar fever season.
There are positives in life. Work has been busy, between database issues,
patching, and schedules with my fellow admins. Averaging about 10 hour
days, but that's ok. I've worked harder for people I like less. My boss
is talking about sending me off for database training (probably virtually),
in part due to the issues we had. Which, given my general lack of knowledge
about databases would be good. Books are still my friends, even if my
ability to focus is all over the place. I've started a bunch of books,
but only finished a few, mostly those of favorite authors. On the movie
front, I did go see the latest 'Thor' this last weekend. It's a very
funny movie, the kind I wish more comic book movies would be like.
(that being said, 'Black Panther' doesn't look to have a bunch of comedy,
but boy does it look awesome).
No big plans coming up. Mostly I just want to take care of myself and my
friend, and see what comes up after the New Year. And on that note, I'm
going to call this a post. Catch you all later.
If you follow me on Facebook, you've already seen most of this.
It's not been a good week. I had a near breakdown this week. I think I've
tapered off my old med too fast, and between stress from helping a friend,
bad sleep, fretting over the bill from my dental emergency and work, and the combination became a 'perfect storm' and
well, I went pretty far down. I'm better now, functioning if not great.
Little better each day, but still I have to fight the depression at least
once or twice a day. It was bad enough I found reading to be tedious,
and that's one of those great signs that something is wrong.
But, on the plus side, I managed to not call in with ennui once this
week. I've gotten stuff done, if not as much as I'd (or my work) would
like. I've also found reading to be easier and more entertaining, reading
classics like Lovecraft and Brian Lumley (the first modern day mythos
writer I ever read). I'm sleeping better, not great but better. The plan
is to try tapering off again when I'm under less stress. When that will
be? I dunno. One tentacle at a time and all that.
So, it's the weekend. And payday. Weekend plans are more friend helping,
but nothing crazy like last weekend. Also, I'm probably going to go see
'Wonder Woman' because, it looks like a whole lot of fun. Tonight is
watching 'Life' again, it's currently on and it's a lot of fun (for values
of pentapods destroying humanity). Will probably stay up kind of late and
try to regenerate tentacles with movies and geeking, then probably more
Lumley or similar reading, and sleeping in if I can. Wish me luck, both
with sleep and with getting better.
Well it's another week, and I'm not doing so hot. Had a relapse after last
weekend, doctor called in new antibiotics which have helped. But I still
feel pretty lousy. My lungs are really tight, I've been using the inhaler
a bunch. It helps, but I have a feeling I need to find a respiratory
specialist and get my lungs really checked out. Along with an allergist,
and possibly a full body transplant specialist. So if anyone is experimenting with building cyborgs, I may be your guinea pig.
I worked from home Mon-Wed. I was told rather firmly to go home since I
sounded like a TB ward. I got stuff done, but I still feel like a slacker.
*sigh* Oh, I haven't mentioned it, but I have a new boss. Nothing bad,
just some reshuffling above my level. Going to actually meet the guy
(he works out of Atlanta, soon to be Tennessee) next week. I do kind of
like having remote managers, less of the insanity of a former employer.
Plus, me and my team mates just work well together, no real need for a
day to day watch over us kind of guy.
Due to the relapse, I've mentally canceled most of my weekend plans. Not
sure I want to leave the house, not sure I'll be able to do all the chores
that are backed up either though. I really don't know. I'm going to try
to get at least the minimum I need for survival, if I can do more, I will,
and if I can't...well *throws tentacles in the air*
Mental health is...poor. Mom's anniversary of her passing is next weekend,
and I've had lots of reminders of things in the last couple of weeks. The
pneumonia is definitely NOT helping. (Her death, for those who don't know,
was due to a bout of pneumonia). Add to that the world news lately, and
personal issues I don't want to go into on here, I'm really not a happy
fox. Seriously, I think the only reason I haven't had a full on meltdown
is I'm going numb before it happens. Hiding in books, in movies. I have a
pshrink visit in a few weeks, and I sense we'll be changing things.
In regards to the new news on Livejournal, I'm honestly not sure I give a
darn. Not that I particularly trust the Russian Federation, but there
really isn't anything on there I'm concerned about. On the other tentacle,
they're no longer using SSL. That's bad, m'kay. I even tried to force it,
nope redirect to port 80. Not sure how much I want to go to DW. I already
have a blog, and I have a sort of copy of all my posts on LJ. But since
I don't really have the tentacles to cope with a decision, I'm not going
to make one just yet.
So what am I going to do this weekend? Besides at least the bare minimum
of chores, I'm watching movies. Specifically right now 'The Void', which
I've been waiting for with major anticipation. I also picked up both
'Alien vs Predator' movies on bluray to complete my current collection. So
maybe Aliens marathon tomorrow, or something else. Or I may just read
all the books. I really am just going to try to relax, hopefully my lungs
will feel better, and I'll be in a better place come Monday. I can dream
Was a weird week. Spent all of my 3 day weekend home recovering. I
cheerfully could have called in Tuesday or Wednesday as well, but I put
on my big cultist robes and went to work. Was kind of glad to see people
actually. I'm still not 100%, but I'm close (minus the perpetual allergy
argument). Mood was pretty lousy though this week. Between being sick,
a whole lot of negative memories rising to the surface, and reality being
pretty depressing. At least my subconscious eased up on me while I was
asleep, with a lack of anxiety dreams. I kind of snapped out of it
this morning, as Fridays often fix the ills in my head.
As I said last post, I'll be back to patching on Sunday evening. Approx 30
servers this go-round, but I'll have at least one other admin patching, and
other bodies to do support tests and verify applications. So it should be
fairly smooth. Week will be a tad short, but that's ok. I still have social
plans for tomorrow and for Sunday prior to patching.
So what's up in the land of Vulpine besides work and illness? Lots of books,
lots of reading. For some odd reason most of what I've read has been set in
London, England between 1890-1920. Originally there was no plan, but between
a couple of Mythos tales, and pastiches of Sherlock Holmes and Carnacki the
Ghost Finder, and another period fantasy bit I've spent a lot of mental shoe
leather wandering around London. Currently reading 'Dust and Shadow' which
pits Sherlock against Jack the Ripper. I'm also hoping to have a spare
weekend day in the next few weeks where I feel up to finishing up on the
rearranging of the Starry Wisdom Library and building of at least one new
bookcase. Hopefully I'll be sans plague in time to do this before summer
hits. Bedroom also needs work, but that's less pressing. Less books in
there. And more work.
Ok, that's about all I have for right now. I have tons of bright ideas for
posts, but usually they get detailed just as I'm getting ready for bed.
I'm starting to think I need a voice recorder to ramble into so I remember
these quirky ideas. For now though, I'm going to enjoy my Friday night
hermit. Catch you all later.
I'm doing mostly ok mentally, the depression hole I fell into for the holidays
has mostly passed. Just in time for my yearly asskicking DeathCold (tm).
Was out of the office 2 days last week. At least this time it's not
technically a DeathCold (tm), it's allergies of insane levels. I realized
today, Texas is treating me like a foreign (of the damn Yankee variety) body,
and it's using pollen as antibodies. No idea when I'll be back to
'normal'. The urge to flee the state and move somewhere without trees is
strong. Greenland or Antarctica. *le sigh*
Work is good, I'm doing some upgrade foo Sunday night. Next week will be
hopping. Second payday was today, yay income. Still like my coworkers a
bunch, both my team and the groups we worth with. So that's a major plus.
Slowly, but surely, the weird stressors from the Shoggoth Pit are fading.
In non-work stuff, I've been on a religion kick, mostly the minority sects
of the Middle East (Yazidis, Zoroastrian, and other stuff I'd never heard of),
as well as Gnostic foo. In my fuzzy brain I'm turning this stuff into head
canon for Mythos, as I often do. I'll probably dig into Hermeticism in
the future for much the same thing. NeoPlatonic Cthulhu Cultists, next on
Fox. Waiting mostly patiently for a new book called 'Winter Tide' by
Ruthanne Emrys. Things from the Deep Ones point of view, which I always
appreciate. The first 5 chapters are online Tor.com, as well as the first story in the series,
Litany of Earth. Go forth and do honor to Mother Hydra and Father Dagon.
Upcoming plans, some socializing with the Ufies tomorrow, Sunday will be
Amythest time before the work that evening. After that, not a lot of real
plans. Then it's mostly work and books and geekery til the summer. Then
I'm going on my first cruise, from Seattle to Alaska, by way of Canada.
Looking forward to a new adventure on the high seas. And if timing, job
and finances work out, I'm also going to try to go to either the NecronomiCon
in Providence, or back to the HPLFF in Portland. Yay traveling fun and
games. And bookstores, I have them already picked out. *grin* Yeah, I
have my priorities. And tonight's priority is finish my Friday the 13th
mini-marathon, read stuff, and sleep in tomorrow. Happy weekend to all,
and to all a good night.
Today is the one year anniversary of my first day of freedom from The
Shoggoth Pit. (my last day was Sept 11th...but I didn't want to write
this yesterday). A lot of things have changed in a year. I found an
old offline journal entry with my wishes for my post pit life. A job
where I'd have bosses who didn't try to stress me out for yucks and giggles,
where work had challenges, but I also had support in meeting said challenges.
And I got that here at Carcosa Corp, in spades. I also got a much nicer
paycheck, and I have coworkers who I can count on to be professional, and
at the same time, can be silly with. The only negative is that it is
contract, so I cannot say that a year from now I'll still be in the same
boat. But it's given me hope that yes, I deserve a job where credit is
given, and I'm worth what I'm paid.
Outside of the work stuff, the last year I've done other stuff. I've finally
made it outside of Texas, and made it back home to NYC for a fun week. I'm
going to Portland in a little under a month for my first Lovecraft festival.
I'm sleeping better, though I am having more anxiety dreams about parents
than I was. I'm social, and my friends are much less worried about me
(sorry gang). I did up my meds this year for depression, but that I felt
like I could try to do something to help sounds like positive stuff to me.
I've also quit caffeine, and cut way down on sugar, and have started to lose
weight. Eating a little healthier. Reading more, generally most everything
is swinging up at least a little.
Still have anxiety and depression issues. I'm still reacting to things
like I'm back at the Shoggoth Pit, meetings make me anxious, new projects
cause worries, etc. But I'm catching myself when I start that, and it's
lessening. Day by day, bit by bit, I'm getting better.
So that's the state of the Vulpine, anniversary edition. Hopefully things
keep swinging up through the next year, and that this time in 2017 I'm no
longer thinking about the past or being bothered by it.