Na ‘Aear, na ‘Aear! Mýl ‘lain nallol,
I sûl ribiel a i falf ‘loss reviol.
Na annûn hae, ias Anor dannol.
Cair vith, cair vith, lastal hain canel,
Lamath in-gwaithen i gwennin no nin?
Gwannathon, gwannathon taur i onnant nin;
an midui orath vín a dennin inath vín.
Trevedithon ‘aear land erui ciriel.
Falvath enainn bo Mathedfalas dannol,
Lamath vilui vi Tol Gwannen cannen,
Vi Tol Ereb, ned Bar-in-Edhil i Edain ú-gennir,
Ias lais ú-dhannar: dôr en-gwaith nín an-uir!»
A linniel hen Legolas gwannant dadbenn en amon.
Resquiescas in pace, mea soror.
To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
The wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying.
West, west away, the round sun is falling.
Grey ship, grey ship, do you hear them calling,
The voices of my people that have gone before me?
I will leave, I will leave the woods that bore me;
For our days are ending and our years failing.
I will pass the wide waters lonely sailing.
Long are the waves on the Last Shore falling,
Sweet are the voices in the Lost Isle calling,
In Eressëa, in Elvenhome that no man can discover,
Where the leaves fall not: land of my people for ever!
Rest in peace my sister.
(by J.R.R. Tolkien, Return of the King. Latin by me)
Well, it's been a calendar month since I got the keys here. Still need
to a bunch of organizing and unpacking still. Did come up with a name
for the place, Dunwich Abbey. Why this ? Multiple reasons. The abbey
part is from my binge reading of M.R. James and other Victorian/Edwardian
supernatural authors. There always seems to be a haunted cathedral or
abbey or such. Plus I'm more than a bit of a Britophile, have been since
I was a kid. Dunwich (pronounced as Dun-witch or dun-nitch as the spirit
moves you) is either H.P. Lovecraft's creepy town of Whateleys, or the
village in Suffolk that's slowly disappearing into the sea. I'm not giving
up on Innsmouth and her Dreams, but I felt like a change. Plus, thanks
to Charlie Stross, among others, there's a link between Dunwich and Innsmouth.
So fish people all around. So Lovecraft, M.R. James, odd Brit history...
works for me. Oh yeah, and I managed to snag the dunwich.net domain name.
No idea what I'm going to do with it yet.
So I got everything moved, got the computers setup. Bookshelves are loaded
with books, mostly not in any kind of order. My study is the most setup
room in the place, some art on the walls, my various Lovecraftian knick-
knacks on display. Favorite books, or fancy books are shelved in here.
Bedroom is spartan, but that's fine, I basically just sleep in there.
Library is basically the dumping zone, slowly whittling down the clutter,
hopefully soonish I'll be able to add some more bookcases (3 died in the
move) and start sorting and organizing the library. Kitchen is also fairly
cluttered, but that's easier to sort. Still, this is going to be long
bit of organizing.
Getting used to driving around here. I'm still firing up the GPS more often
than not, unless I'm going to work or the store. Internet is as good as the
old place. Neighbors are quiet, mostly. I get weird looks, but that's
alright. They get some weird looks back. Haven't had any guests over yet,
partially it's the chaos, and partially it's my hermit habit. At some point
I'll see about inviting people over. Have a shopping list of things I
want to get for here, but that will take time. Need to get what I have sorted
before I bring too much more stuff in here.
I've been moved into the new place since Monday. Slowly unpacking and organizing. There's been some issues, some with me and some with the apartment. Specifically issues with the heating system. Which normally isn't a big deal, but it's actually cold in Texas. And while I can cope during the day, at night there's a fine line
between "I'm comfy and cool" and "I'm cold and my legs hurt."
Took today off as well, original plan was to be back at work today. But between
lousy sleep and stress, I extended my PTO one more day. Got a bit accomplished, a bunch of boxes unpacked and books shelved. One computer is up and running, I just haven't been in the mood to set everything else up, and I can't find a bunch of cables that are in a box 'somewhere'. Oh well, it will all get done, eventually.
I know moving is the good thing, and this will be a nice place. Just with all the change, and lack of sleep, I'm not doing my best.
As of yesterday I have the keys
to my new apartment. I've moved some token books and art over there to
claim it as 'mine'. Tomorrow Spectrum is moving my internets over to the
new place. I'll move some more stuff, including clothes and some kitchen
stuff, since I'll be splitting my time between the two places til Monday,
when the movers move my stuff. This weekend I'll be moving my computer
gear myself, along with some more Mythos stuff (some things I don't trust
to movers). Sunday I'll be finishing up the packing/move prepping and staying
the last night here. Monday they move my stuff, then I start putting things
together. Tuesday is recovering, and probably driving back here and getting
things left behind. Wednesday is back to work.
I'll be getting new bookcases, the number depends on how many of my old ones
survive the move (some of them are old, others aren't terribly solid), and
some other furniture and items depending on how the moving budget looks
after well, moving. Then it's get my stuff out of boxes and in place,
and make it into a home. We'll see how that goes.
I'll be mostly internet-less after tomorrow morning til either I get my
rig set up, or until I fully move. I plan to do a bunch of reading when
I'm not actively doing move related stuff. So wish me luck, hopefully
my next post will be from my new location, nickname has yet to be determined.
Well, it's 2020. The holidays are done (at least the standard ones of
US folks). It's been a rough time for me, I ended up with a really nasty
sinus infection on Cthulhumas eve. I've mostly spent every day since in
pain, and really screwed up mood wise. Really missing Jessi, in some
ways losing her was harder than losing my Mom, she had a full life, and
I had years to ready myself for when she passed. *sigh* I miss you sis,
every damn day.
So I'm behind on packing, so after talking to my boss, I'll be take a couple
extra days off, so I can work on packing. The living room is 80% done
(that's where most of the books live), but the bedroom is a major project unto
it's self. I need to throw all that stuff into boxes (or into trash), then
I need to start going through the computer rig, figure out what I'm
trashing, and what needs to be kept.
I'm not doing a 'decade in review', or even a year in review. I'm not up
for that much introspection. 2019 was the year I hit peak (for now) Lovecraft
with visits to both Necronomicon and the HPLFF. Got to meet a bunch of
folks I've only talked to online. Reaffirmed that I love both Providence
and Portland, even if I can't move there at the moment. I don't have much
traveling in mind for 2020, most of my discretionary income is going to
the move, but I will manage yet another trip to Portland for the film
fest. It's the 25th one, so it's bound to be one for the history books.
But besides that, my vacations will probably be 'staycations' putting the
new place together.
New years resolutions. I usually do them on my spawning day, but I didn't
this year. So I think I'll do a small set, Big thing will be 'survive move,
and get new place put together, with some others related to health, and
keeping track of my reading again. And with that, I'm calling this a
post. I've been writing it most of the day in dribs and drabs. So here's
to 2020. Please let it not suck so badly.
Well it's been a few days on the new meds, I see a difference, but that's
probably the placebo effect of having done something. This is so far
from my first rodeo, I even have the non-physiological foo mapped out. Work
week was...goofy. Office moving around was a pain. Got a ping today that
one of the dev boxes we hid in a network closet wasn't responding. So I
drove up to the office to fix it. (I'd just finished the movie I was
watching, so it worked out well. Needed some arguing, and some labeling
and cable mishmashing. Came back home after that.
As I said today would have been Dad's 95th spawning day. So when I wasn't
working on cleaning out the closet in prep for moving, or driving to work,
I've been watching movies I remember watching with Dad. 'In the Name of
the Rose', 'Hunt for Red October' and now, 1 Million Years B.C. (aka
Raquel Welch in a fur bikini). It's been fun, not many sad thoughts. Didn't
get as much moving labor done as I wanted, but I found multiple boxes of
Mom stuff and that took some of the wind out of my sails. I decided
to just keep it boxed up, move it to the new place, then I'll work
on sorting through it. Or not.
Not much else, I don't think I've mentioned it, but I've been using DuoLingo
the last 3 months to actually study Latin. I know a lot of words, but
I have little to know idea on grammar or structure. Sadly, I can't say I'm
much better at it, but it's fun to try. Today, kind of on a whim I fired
up Welsh, since I keep running into Celts in my reading. A lot more material,
since Welsh is a living language, and I'm better than listening/saying
the basic words than I am at Latin. (seriously, I rather just read it). So
we'll see. I don't think I'll ever be more than a how to ask nicely for the
restroom, and sorry I don't speak $language, do you speak English ? But
who knows, maybe something will click. And I'm having fun.
31 days til I get the keys to the new place. I need to get services moved
over, and I need to figure out some other new place stuff. As well as
finish packing/organizing. Holiday BS is pretty much being treated as just
BS, I really ain't feeling it this year. Oh well, a little over two weeks
and it's done. Then moving, then Cthulhu knows. Right now it's still day
by day. Which is about all I can count on. Night all.
Today was a visit with my pshrink (psychiatrist if you're new to my way of
writing). Standard 6 month med review. 6 months ago my biggest stressor
was my low platelet count and the new office being kind of meh. Needless
to say, my current stressors are much higher.
So I went in, saw my doc, told him the details, both what's happened lately
and the high anxiety and lows of depression. So we're upping my
anxiety med 'allowance', I normally limit myself to one of my acute anxiety
meds a day, now I'm allowed two, with an increase on my prescription. I'm
also adding Wellbutrin to my cocktail. Different kind of antidepressant
that I haven't been on before, it affects a different set of neurotransmitters
so it should change up the chemistry some. Side effects are mostly the
same as every other antidepressant I've been on, except instead of a sedative
affect, it might make me a bit jittery (thus I take it first thing in the
AM). Too late in the day to take the first dose, so we try tomorrow. Then
it's try to keep track of things/moods/etc, aka getting back to offline
journaling. (or online, easily searchable journaling).
The migration that was scheduled for this weekend is pushed back to the
end of the month. So that gives me two weeks to beat Atlassian into
submission. Also gives me time to get used to this new med, and cope
with moving and sadness. (Saturday would be Dad's 95th spawning day).
So yeah, the end of the year should be...interesting. Let you know how
Having a rough day of it. Started off ok, played chauffeur for a friend
who needed a lift to a doc appointment, a friend I haven't seen in the
flesh in many years. Got to meet her two kitties, both were skittish
about me, but one warmed enough for pets, and the other kept staring at
me with really gorgeous eyes. I'm patient, I'll win the kitten over
But afterwards, I felt off. I was near Recycled Books, so
I made a stop, but that didn't help much. Got a couple of books, but one
is a duplicate of something I already had. Got lunch and I was going to
do some other errands, but I decided that the cope tank was just about empty.
Came home, deal with frustrating doctor/insurance foo (never try to get
a referral when you're changing insurance copies in the next month and a half).
Then found a letter from the DocInABox about 'we're trying to reach you.'
Call them, get the run around, finally get someone to call me back to tell
me 'Oh we're calling about the referral. Why the actual fuck? Why couldn't
a receptionist have looked that up? Probably because it was filed as
something HIPPA esque I guess. Still damn frustrating. I am grateful
I'm off this week. I'm sure I'd be yelling in the office sooner or later.
Since then I've watched a few movies, had at least two short crying jags
over Jessi thoughts. Almost got into a yelling match with a friend, but
it got better. We talked through my distinct lack of interest in
Turkey Day, as I said right now I feel 0 thankfulness. So, I may just pass.
Going to decide Thursday when I get up. I'm not in a social mood, and
I don't think I'm up for a fairly large group of people. But, we'll see.
I'm trying to plot apartment stuff, but lacking info like the Spectrum
demarc location, and where the power plugs are is causing my plans to
be...vague. I can't just go in and look, the current tenant isn't moving
out til end of Dec, and no way would I ask to see it. So I have to
wait. And to be honest, I'll change my mind 10 times in the next 10 weeks
about layouts and plans. So trying to get ideas, but not get attached
to them. I really should hide the floorplan, and just dream what
I want, then when I have access to the place, I can make my ideas fit.
I'm now doing some basic geeking, upgraded my Fedora server VM to 32, and
it's being flaky. My OpenSuSE VM also flaked and died. I haven't had a
lot of good computer luck lately. Oh well, I'm not the home sysadmin I once
was. I do this all day at work. I've been meaning to work on packing and
whatnot, but...see above where I said I had a near empty cope tank. Tomorrow
I'm trying to not make many 'plans' I need to pick up meds and visit the
store, but besides that I want to try to get some more down time. I may
try to avoid the internets, and try to catch up on reading, if I can
get the focus (I have very little). Kind of shocked I wrote this out without
quitting and rewriting. But I think I'll call this a post. Laters cultists.
She passed on today. Requiescat in pace, sister love. Not the way things
were supposed to go, she was 14 years younger than me. But the universe
just really doesn't care that way. I'm hope, I'm hiding in audiobooks
(Grandpa Theobald's 'The Haunter of the Dark', which Jessi liked as well)
and trying to stay away from emotional subjects. I talked to my boss and
coworker earlier, and I'll be off the next few days, and my big project
for next week is being pushed. Jello plans indeed. So I have a few days
to process. The box of emotions are open, but I'm not actively processing
things just yet. Just don't want to end up having a full meltdown, which
keeping the box closed would do. Just wish... oh so many things.
So the next few days I'll be gentle with myself, try to either do things,
or not. Sleep late, or stay up late, be there if her family needs things,
or be alone if I need things. I know that last part will worry some folks,
but I promise I won't be stupid. My friends are a call away, and my
pshrink is really good about fitting in people with a crisis...and I am
well medicated. So I'll close this up.
I'm going to miss you so very much Jessi-Badger. You kept me going when
things were dark, and I won't disappoint you. See you sometime, make sure
to find me some good books while you're wherever we go.
Not doing so good. One of my best friends, the person who I think of as
my little sister, has been in the hospital since before I got sick. Today
I got a message from her husband that I need to be back up at the hospital
ASAP. Not going into detail, but her lungs are failing, and there isn't
any options to correct it. Either her body finds a way to heal itself,
or she doesn't recover. Was up at the hospital, emotions pretty well locked
in a box whenever I was around people. Got people talking about other
things, or listened to them when they talked sad. What I'm good at.
I learned how to compartmentalize emotions when Dad was in hospice. I also
learned to not keep the box closed too long. So when I felt the end of
my rope, I said my goodbyes and came home. Got myself into a shower, had a
good cry, and have been distracting myself since.
So what's next? No idea, that's up to things so far outside of my control
it's not funny. So it's one day at a time, one tentacle in front of another,
and making sure I take care of myself. Tomorrow, unless I need to be else
where, will probably be doing the tasks I dropped today. Then work, which
I'll have to really work at focusing to get a project with a short time
frame done and out the door. Then it's Thanksgiving, which to be honest
ATM I'm not very thankful for much. Then the project implementation for
work, then probably a holiday change freeze., which I'll have to spend
catching up on a lot of other stuff, plus moving prep and Cthulhumas.
Oh, this version of my blog will be going away at some point. Wordpress
is too cumbersome for how I want to blog, so unless I think of a better
option, I think I'll be going back to using Livejournal and importing
that feed into the Innsmouth website, like I did years ago on Cabal23.net.
The LJ API hasn't changed much, and I can still use an ancient perl script
I have to log in and post. And frankly, the worries we all had about
Soviet LJ seem to be tiny all things considered. None of the content will
vanish, because I cross posted most everything to LJ since I started on
Wordpress. We'll see how it works out. But for now, back to tuning
out and watching comfort movies.