And when things get weird…

Going to be a weird week for me. Most of the weekend was spent in some degree of sinus pain/pressure. Worked last night on some Carcosa Corp stuff, which wasn't bad, just took a while. Today came into work a tad late, but no random stuff being broke due to last night's work. I have bad luck with making late night changes that look fine, but in the cold light of day (and customer activity) you find the errors and mis-estimates. Not today, other than adjusting firewall rules to take the additional databases into account.

The weird starts with DR testing at work this week. I'm the guinea pig, as the new guy, I've been kind of deliberately kept in the dark, so when they hand me the documentation, we can see if there are flaws in it, that someone who's familiar with the process would just be able to fill in. We'll see how well this works. I'm kind of anxious because, hey, new situation. But it should be ok, or at least be educational.

I also have a friend going in for a what's supposed to be a minor surgical procedure. All should be ok, and it should be a day procedure. But of course, I'm twitchy. Don't like my friends in hospitals. *sigh*

Add in Friday's expected political insanity, I expect the internets to be utterly awash in hatred and anger. So I'll probably avoid much discussion, set filters to maximum, and maybe spend the weekend trying to translate the Voynich Manuscript. Or go to art museums and bookstores. Or binge on cheesy 80s horror movies. Or get on social media, and find 2000 more groups from all over the spectrum to block...

So this week will be a tad challenging. But there are perks. And books, and people who care. Oh yeah, and Cthulhu. Always good to have an eldritch monstrocity that drives you insane in your corner. So on that tentacled note, I'll ramble more later. I'm going to try to post more here, get back in my blogging habit, vs miniposts on Facebook.

New Year’s Post

Well, it's 2017. New year started, old year in the rearview mirror. The old year wasn't that horrid for me, minus the holiday near meltdown. Job has been good, and good for my coping skills. I wasn't nearly as social as usual this last year, nor have I done as much computer geekery as I used to. Still keeping up with the books and bad movies though.

As is traditional for New Years Day, I've spent today doing the things I want to have happen more of in the new year. So bad movies, buying books, petting cats (doing critter care for some friends that are out of town), sleeping in, and computer geeking. Hoping it leads to good and nifty things.

Last night I went to a comic/geek convention, didn't do much besides some shopping, hanging out with friends, and attempting to go to the 'parties' in the evening. Figured out that I've gotten old. At one I wanted to yell 'Turn that crap down', and at the VIP party I listened to a decent cover band get mangled by lousy sound engineering. I cut out around 11, to avoid the drunks in Dallas, but they were already out in force. Came home, watched the year roll over. I did manage to find the only Cthulhu stuff in the 'con. (A new dice game, that had cool tshirts, and a tshirt vendor who had a HPL shirt that I didn't own), and a movie producer who aims to recreate 50's B movies. So I had to get two. Was fun, but not really my kind of 'con. Nothing on the tracks caught my attention, and most everything was comics or Harry Potter. Oh well, not every convention can be the HPLFF.

Really no plans for tonight, besides continuing with my superstition. I'm off work tomorrow, and I'll spend most of it doing the chores I'm not doing today (laundry, cleaning, store run) Then it's back to work. I don't have any New Years resolutions, I'm weird and do resolutions around my Spawning Day.

So that's about it. I may do a review of 2016, or I may not. All depends on what I get done tomorrow, and how many tentacles I'm left with, along with how much I want to dive into the last year. Might be better to just aim forward. But on that note, hope it's a good year to everyone. Talk to you later.

A year ago

Today is the one year anniversary of my first day of freedom from The Shoggoth Pit. (my last day was Sept 11th...but I didn't want to write this yesterday). A lot of things have changed in a year. I found an old offline journal entry with my wishes for my post pit life. A job where I'd have bosses who didn't try to stress me out for yucks and giggles, where work had challenges, but I also had support in meeting said challenges. And I got that here at Carcosa Corp, in spades. I also got a much nicer paycheck, and I have coworkers who I can count on to be professional, and at the same time, can be silly with. The only negative is that it is contract, so I cannot say that a year from now I'll still be in the same boat. But it's given me hope that yes, I deserve a job where credit is given, and I'm worth what I'm paid.

Outside of the work stuff, the last year I've done other stuff. I've finally made it outside of Texas, and made it back home to NYC for a fun week. I'm going to Portland in a little under a month for my first Lovecraft festival. I'm sleeping better, though I am having more anxiety dreams about parents than I was. I'm social, and my friends are much less worried about me (sorry gang). I did up my meds this year for depression, but that I felt like I could try to do something to help sounds like positive stuff to me. I've also quit caffeine, and cut way down on sugar, and have started to lose weight. Eating a little healthier. Reading more, generally most everything is swinging up at least a little.

Still have anxiety and depression issues. I'm still reacting to things like I'm back at the Shoggoth Pit, meetings make me anxious, new projects cause worries, etc. But I'm catching myself when I start that, and it's lessening. Day by day, bit by bit, I'm getting better.

So that's the state of the Vulpine, anniversary edition. Hopefully things keep swinging up through the next year, and that this time in 2017 I'm no longer thinking about the past or being bothered by it.

State of the Fox

Not sure how long it's been since I did one of these. Probably not long, but here it is. At the beginning of the month I posted about going to the pshrink to up my meds. I go back next week, and I'm going to say that while it's helped, it's not helped as much as I'd want. Maybe another dose up, as I am doing better. Or maybe a different med will be the answer. I don't know, but I'm willing to try. And that's a big change from last year, hell, from a couple of months ago.

Work is good. Figured out why I was anxious at the job, even though I'm working with some very cool people, and nothing has felt like the stressors of the Shoggoth Pit. But I still find meetings and dealing with the boss as a cause of anxiety, because for years I'm used to having bosses who yelled, who enjoyed winding me up, who had no clue how to handle people. I now have a boss who's helpful, and can say 'you did this incorrectly, here's what you should have done' without making it a chances to yank my chain. I just need to get used to it, and it's probably going to take a while longer. But I see that I can, and why I feel the way I do, and with that, I can change things.

Personal life is good. Been spending a lot of time buried in books. Friends are good, friends are great. Even if I haven't been quite the social butterfly. Château Innsmouth is as it usually is. Most everything is pretty ok. Well it's overly warm, and my internet has issues, but nothing I can't handle.

That's pretty much Vulpine's life here at Château Innsmouth. Hoping it stays that way. Catch you all later, hopefully with a stable internet connection. Ciao.

Change for the better

I was feeling quite blue today, no real big reason, just feeling a little useless, and out of sorts. Then I was reminded that I work in a (fun kind of) looney bin. One of the developers decided on a whim to dye his goatee blue. And on our internal chat channel, me and another developer shared a brain and both commented about using the blood of smurfs to dye it with. It's nice to work with people who are as nuts as me. Also, boss is in town, and took us out for tacos. Yay free lunch.

The other big mood reset was I went back and read my offline journal for last year, for the 3 months around when I quit the Shoggoth Pit. July through September. And it sunk in how utterly miserable I was there, the stress, the ex-boss from hell, along with trying to rebuild my life after Mom's passing. I'm kind of surprised that I didn't end up in a psych ward by late August. There was a lot of ick in those entries. But I do remember one thing, towards the end, when I'd already written out my plan to deass the job (aka Operation: Leng), I wrote something in the vein of 'My dream is to be in a better place by next year, financially, professionally, etc'. And here it is, 9 months later and I've got a good job where I feel appreciated (and get paid pretty well), I don't dread every morning, nor do I have horrible dreams every night. It's not all rainbows and unicorns, but so what ? I'm actually comfortable enough to say to my pshrink 'Ok, things aren't as good as they could be...what can help?' vs my traditional 'it's working well enough, don't change'. And that means a lot.

So yeah, I'm doing better. It's good when I can catch myself, and reset before I spiral way down. I'm also glad I took that leap 9 months ago, even if it scared the fhtagn out of me, and there were a bunch of times that I thought I'd screwed up royally by leaving the 'Pit. But I didn't, and things got better, and life got better, and huzzah for me and stuff.

Anxiety coping: with a little help from my friends’

The definition of best friend. When you wake up in a weird state of anxiety, and you really do want to hang out and go see a horror movie with said friend, but also really don't want to leave the house at the same time. So once you get the tentacles enough to call, she understands you're wound up, and yes...we can meet up at movie tive, while I get time to wind down before going out. Friends get your weirdness, and work with you on it. I'm also kind of happy that I didn't make it a binary issue, yes go out, or no hide at home.

As said above, having a high anxiety day. Something twitched off last night in my sleep. Which is weird, because Friday night I had dreams about summoning demons (the classical Goetic way of doing things, not Lovecraftian stuff) in the Amityville Horror House. Now that was amusing. Yesterday was a good day, hung out with Amythest, watched assorted bad horror flicks, while I reinstalled Uxía. A good geek day.

I'm calming down as I write this, yay for the magic of medication. The post office also left my copy of 'The Mammoth Book of Cthulhu' by the door, so that's good. Watching 'Amityville 3D', tried to watch it at Amythest's yesterday, and her Roku locked up and rebooted, so we took that as a sign. Assuming my anxiety levels are down to normal after the movie, I'll make a quick trip to get meds and gas and packages, then head down to meet up for the movie. Then it's back to work tomorrow.

So that's me on Sunday. Wish me luck on the rest of today, and for the next week. *crosses tentacles*

Nightmares, anxiety dreams, and me

I'm getting tired of dreaming. Another night of a dream hitting me right in my anxiety. Last night was more BS about friends being their bizarro world opposites, and something about buying a moving truck. Maybe I was moving into the house of the occultist that I dreamed about the night before (after my more horrible nightmares). I don't remember the last night I didn't have an upsetting dream. *grumble*

I'm not sure what my brainmeats are trying to process. I think it's just the time...this time last year was epic stressors. Maybe it's just echos of that. I don't know. I just know that sleep is not my friend right now.

Can't I just dream of a cyclopean city rising from the depths, or a serial killer with knives for fingers, or a guy with a snake head. Or, more me, falling behind the walls and running from zombies. (reoccuring nightmare I had as a little kid). So much better than the current set. Oh well, it will pass eventually. Talk to you all later.