Petition: To Tsathoggua

All praise to thee, Tsathoggua, dark lord of darksome realms! Before thine ebon throne lost wraiths bewail their fate with many an echoing groan and wander sightless through the frightful glooms of sub-Eiglophian caves. Thou didst reward their unrepented insolence displayed before thy toadlike templed eidolons, with monstrous dooms. From them thy vengeance was not stayed, nor shall their horrid punishments abate ‘till all the peaks of high Voormithadreth are ground to grit in icy eschatons.

Oh lord of foulsome life and fearsome death, to thee our fealty repays our gift of necromantic arts with offerings of red and pulsing hearts given in thanks on thine ensanguined alter; and, to avenge all crass impiety, our serpent-venomed dirks will never falter.

Now hear our plea, O Lord of black encaverned spaces, whose jet-dark orbs, though night-enmired yet see into all secret subterranean places, and whose black-furred bat-supple ears detect the faintest sound of all who plot in chambers underground: Fulfill our hopes allay our direst fears. Grant us the gift of swift nocturnal stealth: Reveal to us each hidden jeweled hoard of kingly wealth; and most of all Dark Lord, possess our foes with terrors thanatopic and draw their shrieking souls down from the light into eternal night to pine for aye in silence nyctalopic.

From the Book of Eibon, Psalms of the Silent. Translated by Richard L. Tierney.

Dweller in N'kai

For Jessi

Sindarin/Latin:
Na ‘Aear, na ‘Aear! Mýl ‘lain nallol,
I sûl ribiel a i falf ‘loss reviol.
Na annûn hae, ias Anor dannol.
Cair vith, cair vith, lastal hain canel,
Lamath in-gwaithen i gwennin no nin?
Gwannathon, gwannathon taur i onnant nin;
an midui orath vín a dennin inath vín.
Trevedithon ‘aear land erui ciriel.
Falvath enainn bo Mathedfalas dannol,
Lamath vilui vi Tol Gwannen cannen,
Vi Tol Ereb, ned Bar-in-Edhil i Edain ú-gennir,
Ias lais ú-dhannar: dôr en-gwaith nín an-uir!»
A linniel hen Legolas gwannant dadbenn en amon.

Resquiescas in pace, mea soror.

Engish:
To the Sea, to the Sea! The white gulls are crying,
The wind is blowing, and the white foam is flying.
West, west away, the round sun is falling.
Grey ship, grey ship, do you hear them calling,
The voices of my people that have gone before me?
I will leave, I will leave the woods that bore me;
For our days are ending and our years failing.
I will pass the wide waters lonely sailing.
Long are the waves on the Last Shore falling,
Sweet are the voices in the Lost Isle calling,
In Eressëa, in Elvenhome that no man can discover,
Where the leaves fall not: land of my people for ever!

Rest in peace my sister.

(by J.R.R. Tolkien, Return of the King. Latin by me)

Welcome to Dunwich Abbey

Well, it's been a calendar month since I got the keys here. Still need to a bunch of organizing and unpacking still. Did come up with a name for the place, Dunwich Abbey. Why this ? Multiple reasons. The abbey part is from my binge reading of M.R. James and other Victorian/Edwardian supernatural authors. There always seems to be a haunted cathedral or abbey or such. Plus I'm more than a bit of a Britophile, have been since I was a kid. Dunwich (pronounced as Dun-witch or dun-nitch as the spirit moves you) is either H.P. Lovecraft's creepy town of Whateleys, or the village in Suffolk that's slowly disappearing into the sea. I'm not giving up on Innsmouth and her Dreams, but I felt like a change. Plus, thanks to Charlie Stross, among others, there's a link between Dunwich and Innsmouth. So fish people all around. So Lovecraft, M.R. James, odd Brit history... works for me. Oh yeah, and I managed to snag the dunwich.net domain name. No idea what I'm going to do with it yet.

So I got everything moved, got the computers setup. Bookshelves are loaded with books, mostly not in any kind of order. My study is the most setup room in the place, some art on the walls, my various Lovecraftian knick- knacks on display. Favorite books, or fancy books are shelved in here. Bedroom is spartan, but that's fine, I basically just sleep in there. Library is basically the dumping zone, slowly whittling down the clutter, hopefully soonish I'll be able to add some more bookcases (3 died in the move) and start sorting and organizing the library. Kitchen is also fairly cluttered, but that's easier to sort. Still, this is going to be long bit of organizing.

Getting used to driving around here. I'm still firing up the GPS more often than not, unless I'm going to work or the store. Internet is as good as the old place. Neighbors are quiet, mostly. I get weird looks, but that's alright. They get some weird looks back. Haven't had any guests over yet, partially it's the chaos, and partially it's my hermit habit. At some point I'll see about inviting people over. Have a shopping list of things I want to get for here, but that will take time. Need to get what I have sorted before I bring too much more stuff in here.

So welcome to Dunwich Abbey.

Moving update

I've been moved into the new place since Monday. Slowly unpacking and organizing. There's been some issues, some with me and some with the apartment. Specifically issues with the heating system. Which normally isn't a big deal, but it's actually cold in Texas. And while I can cope during the day, at night there's a fine line between "I'm comfy and cool" and "I'm cold and my legs hurt."

Took today off as well, original plan was to be back at work today. But between lousy sleep and stress, I extended my PTO one more day. Got a bit accomplished, a bunch of boxes unpacked and books shelved. One computer is up and running, I just haven't been in the mood to set everything else up, and I can't find a bunch of cables that are in a box 'somewhere'. Oh well, it will all get done, eventually.

I know moving is the good thing, and this will be a nice place. Just with all the change, and lack of sleep, I'm not doing my best.

The stars are setting on Château Innsmouth

As of yesterday I have the keys to my new apartment. I've moved some token books and art over there to claim it as 'mine'. Tomorrow Spectrum is moving my internets over to the new place. I'll move some more stuff, including clothes and some kitchen stuff, since I'll be splitting my time between the two places til Monday, when the movers move my stuff. This weekend I'll be moving my computer gear myself, along with some more Mythos stuff (some things I don't trust to movers). Sunday I'll be finishing up the packing/move prepping and staying the last night here. Monday they move my stuff, then I start putting things together. Tuesday is recovering, and probably driving back here and getting things left behind. Wednesday is back to work.

I'll be getting new bookcases, the number depends on how many of my old ones survive the move (some of them are old, others aren't terribly solid), and some other furniture and items depending on how the moving budget looks after well, moving. Then it's get my stuff out of boxes and in place, and make it into a home. We'll see how that goes.

I'll be mostly internet-less after tomorrow morning til either I get my rig set up, or until I fully move. I plan to do a bunch of reading when I'm not actively doing move related stuff. So wish me luck, hopefully my next post will be from my new location, nickname has yet to be determined. Laters cultists.

Welcome back to the roaring ’20s

Well, it's 2020. The holidays are done (at least the standard ones of US folks). It's been a rough time for me, I ended up with a really nasty sinus infection on Cthulhumas eve. I've mostly spent every day since in pain, and really screwed up mood wise. Really missing Jessi, in some ways losing her was harder than losing my Mom, she had a full life, and I had years to ready myself for when she passed. *sigh* I miss you sis, every damn day.

So I'm behind on packing, so after talking to my boss, I'll be take a couple extra days off, so I can work on packing. The living room is 80% done (that's where most of the books live), but the bedroom is a major project unto it's self. I need to throw all that stuff into boxes (or into trash), then I need to start going through the computer rig, figure out what I'm trashing, and what needs to be kept.

I'm not doing a 'decade in review', or even a year in review. I'm not up for that much introspection. 2019 was the year I hit peak (for now) Lovecraft with visits to both Necronomicon and the HPLFF. Got to meet a bunch of folks I've only talked to online. Reaffirmed that I love both Providence and Portland, even if I can't move there at the moment. I don't have much traveling in mind for 2020, most of my discretionary income is going to the move, but I will manage yet another trip to Portland for the film fest. It's the 25th one, so it's bound to be one for the history books. But besides that, my vacations will probably be 'staycations' putting the new place together.

New years resolutions. I usually do them on my spawning day, but I didn't this year. So I think I'll do a small set, Big thing will be 'survive move, and get new place put together, with some others related to health, and keeping track of my reading again. And with that, I'm calling this a post. I've been writing it most of the day in dribs and drabs. So here's to 2020. Please let it not suck so badly.

Welsh, closets, and fixing workstations

Well it's been a few days on the new meds, I see a difference, but that's probably the placebo effect of having done something. This is so far from my first rodeo, I even have the non-physiological foo mapped out. Work week was...goofy. Office moving around was a pain. Got a ping today that one of the dev boxes we hid in a network closet wasn't responding. So I drove up to the office to fix it. (I'd just finished the movie I was watching, so it worked out well. Needed some arguing, and some labeling and cable mishmashing. Came back home after that.

As I said today would have been Dad's 95th spawning day. So when I wasn't working on cleaning out the closet in prep for moving, or driving to work, I've been watching movies I remember watching with Dad. 'In the Name of the Rose', 'Hunt for Red October' and now, 1 Million Years B.C. (aka Raquel Welch in a fur bikini). It's been fun, not many sad thoughts. Didn't get as much moving labor done as I wanted, but I found multiple boxes of Mom stuff and that took some of the wind out of my sails. I decided to just keep it boxed up, move it to the new place, then I'll work on sorting through it. Or not.

Not much else, I don't think I've mentioned it, but I've been using DuoLingo the last 3 months to actually study Latin. I know a lot of words, but I have little to know idea on grammar or structure. Sadly, I can't say I'm much better at it, but it's fun to try. Today, kind of on a whim I fired up Welsh, since I keep running into Celts in my reading. A lot more material, since Welsh is a living language, and I'm better than listening/saying the basic words than I am at Latin. (seriously, I rather just read it). So we'll see. I don't think I'll ever be more than a how to ask nicely for the restroom, and sorry I don't speak $language, do you speak English ? But who knows, maybe something will click. And I'm having fun.

31 days til I get the keys to the new place. I need to get services moved over, and I need to figure out some other new place stuff. As well as finish packing/organizing. Holiday BS is pretty much being treated as just BS, I really ain't feeling it this year. Oh well, a little over two weeks and it's done. Then moving, then Cthulhu knows. Right now it's still day by day. Which is about all I can count on. Night all.

Vulpine’s Brain Chemistry: an update

Today was a visit with my pshrink (psychiatrist if you're new to my way of writing). Standard 6 month med review. 6 months ago my biggest stressor was my low platelet count and the new office being kind of meh. Needless to say, my current stressors are much higher.

So I went in, saw my doc, told him the details, both what's happened lately and the high anxiety and lows of depression. So we're upping my anxiety med 'allowance', I normally limit myself to one of my acute anxiety meds a day, now I'm allowed two, with an increase on my prescription. I'm also adding Wellbutrin to my cocktail. Different kind of antidepressant that I haven't been on before, it affects a different set of neurotransmitters so it should change up the chemistry some. Side effects are mostly the same as every other antidepressant I've been on, except instead of a sedative affect, it might make me a bit jittery (thus I take it first thing in the AM). Too late in the day to take the first dose, so we try tomorrow. Then it's try to keep track of things/moods/etc, aka getting back to offline journaling. (or online, easily searchable journaling).

The migration that was scheduled for this weekend is pushed back to the end of the month. So that gives me two weeks to beat Atlassian into submission. Also gives me time to get used to this new med, and cope with moving and sadness. (Saturday would be Dad's 95th spawning day). So yeah, the end of the year should be...interesting. Let you know how it goes.

Midweek rambles

Having a rough day of it. Started off ok, played chauffeur for a friend who needed a lift to a doc appointment, a friend I haven't seen in the flesh in many years. Got to meet her two kitties, both were skittish about me, but one warmed enough for pets, and the other kept staring at me with really gorgeous eyes. I'm patient, I'll win the kitten over eventually.

But afterwards, I felt off. I was near Recycled Books, so I made a stop, but that didn't help much. Got a couple of books, but one is a duplicate of something I already had. Got lunch and I was going to do some other errands, but I decided that the cope tank was just about empty. Came home, deal with frustrating doctor/insurance foo (never try to get a referral when you're changing insurance copies in the next month and a half). Then found a letter from the DocInABox about 'we're trying to reach you.' Call them, get the run around, finally get someone to call me back to tell me 'Oh we're calling about the referral. Why the actual fuck? Why couldn't a receptionist have looked that up? Probably because it was filed as something HIPPA esque I guess. Still damn frustrating. I am grateful I'm off this week. I'm sure I'd be yelling in the office sooner or later.

Since then I've watched a few movies, had at least two short crying jags over Jessi thoughts. Almost got into a yelling match with a friend, but it got better. We talked through my distinct lack of interest in Turkey Day, as I said right now I feel 0 thankfulness. So, I may just pass. Going to decide Thursday when I get up. I'm not in a social mood, and I don't think I'm up for a fairly large group of people. But, we'll see.

I'm trying to plot apartment stuff, but lacking info like the Spectrum demarc location, and where the power plugs are is causing my plans to be...vague. I can't just go in and look, the current tenant isn't moving out til end of Dec, and no way would I ask to see it. So I have to wait. And to be honest, I'll change my mind 10 times in the next 10 weeks about layouts and plans. So trying to get ideas, but not get attached to them. I really should hide the floorplan, and just dream what I want, then when I have access to the place, I can make my ideas fit. We'll see.

I'm now doing some basic geeking, upgraded my Fedora server VM to 32, and it's being flaky. My OpenSuSE VM also flaked and died. I haven't had a lot of good computer luck lately. Oh well, I'm not the home sysadmin I once was. I do this all day at work. I've been meaning to work on packing and whatnot, but...see above where I said I had a near empty cope tank. Tomorrow I'm trying to not make many 'plans' I need to pick up meds and visit the store, but besides that I want to try to get some more down time. I may try to avoid the internets, and try to catch up on reading, if I can get the focus (I have very little). Kind of shocked I wrote this out without quitting and rewriting. But I think I'll call this a post. Laters cultists.

Requiescat in pace

She passed on today. Requiescat in pace, sister love. Not the way things were supposed to go, she was 14 years younger than me. But the universe just really doesn't care that way. I'm hope, I'm hiding in audiobooks (Grandpa Theobald's 'The Haunter of the Dark', which Jessi liked as well) and trying to stay away from emotional subjects. I talked to my boss and coworker earlier, and I'll be off the next few days, and my big project for next week is being pushed. Jello plans indeed. So I have a few days to process. The box of emotions are open, but I'm not actively processing things just yet. Just don't want to end up having a full meltdown, which keeping the box closed would do. Just wish... oh so many things.

So the next few days I'll be gentle with myself, try to either do things, or not. Sleep late, or stay up late, be there if her family needs things, or be alone if I need things. I know that last part will worry some folks, but I promise I won't be stupid. My friends are a call away, and my pshrink is really good about fitting in people with a crisis...and I am well medicated. So I'll close this up.

I'm going to miss you so very much Jessi-Badger. You kept me going when things were dark, and I won't disappoint you. See you sometime, make sure to find me some good books while you're wherever we go.